Important new research proves that drinking lots and lots of wine every week makes men have "stronger sperm." This means the sperm is more likely to reach its "goal," which is some part of a lady, if the sperm was ejaculated in the general direction of a lady.
A study by Polish researchers revealed that gulping down a half-dozen glasses of wine per week—which is nothing, really—dramatically improved the viability of a man's sperm.
Just about everything men do is bad for sperm. CBS Atlanta lists some of the current causes of our planet's sperm crisis: Men wear weirdly tight underpants, and carry cellphones right next to their testicles, and also work too much and are so stressed and worn out and the sperm just becomes more and more messed up, until it doesn't even want to try.
You might think we have plenty of people already, so who cares about the decades-long trend in weaker, smaller and dumber sperm in ever decreasing numbers. But with so few Americans able to afford children at all, and so few people even bothering to have procreative sexual intercourse, our nation is at risk of being nothing more than very old people yelling at the teevee.
And then those old people would eventually die out, and the world could return to a Garden of Eden with no humans around to build malls and create homelessness and kill all the fish and clear-cut the trees, etc. So maybe the few remaining men who very occasionally like to have sex with ladies should stop drinking wine, to accelerate the process of human depopulation.
This Christmas, get drunk on something else. The Earth thanks you.