I think my teddy bear knows I’m high. Do I stink? I think I stink. There’s something really foreboding about the shape of that telephone. I bet it was made in a bad factory. God, I’m a fraid. Maybe if I just put on Planet Earth, I’ll feel better. A fraid? Unless it’s the episode with the fish. Afraid. God, I’m so afraid. Maybe I should call the cops.

Hold it right there, mister.

On Friday, a 22-year-old Ohio man called the police on himself, telling them, incredibly, that he was “too high on weed.” Do not be like this man. Weed can be scary sometimes, but calling the cops on yourself is never worth it.

When the police arrived at the unnamed man’s Austintown home, his grandfather directed them to his bedroom, where they found an embarrassing pile of pothead cliches. He was in the fetal position. He was groaning. He was surrounded by Doritos and Chips Ahoy. The police report, obtained by the Smoking Gun, reads in part:

The officer walked into the doorway and observed [REDACTED] laying on the floor, in the fetal position. [REDACTED] was surrounded by a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish, and Chips Ahoy cookies. [REDACTED] stated to this officer that he could not feel his hands.

Don’t be like [REDACTED]. Next time, wait it out. You can handle it. If you must call 911, at least clean up the Goldfish before you do.

Contact the author at andy@gawker.com.