Hey Jeff—great meal. Just great. Well, it’s all done. What’s that? Did you say it’s time to “load the dishwasher?” Sorry Jeff—I now think you’re not very smart at all.

Dishwashers are a big waste of time.

Wow—you have a machine... in your own house... that washes dishes? Wow—what’s your name, The Jetsons? [Sarcasm dripping from my every word]

Let’s just take an unbiased look at what it means to actually “use the dishwasher.” You have your dirty dishes on the table. For thousands of years of human evolution, what would happen next would be: you put the dishes in the sink and wash them with a sponge and some soap. The end. But then they invented the dishwasher (around the same time they invented the atom bomb—another “good” invention). With a dishwasher, what happens next would be: you gather up all the dishes. You scrape em off. You put them in the sink. You wash them all off. How do you open this dishwasher? Is it on right now? It’s not? Okay. Open it up. Pull out that rack. No, the other rack. The bowls don’t go up there. They go down there. Hey, can I put the china in here? Can I put the tupperware in here? Can I put the pan in here? The pan won’t fit. The rack won’t close. Okay, where’s the special soap? Where does it go? Where’s the slot? Did you put soap in already? Or does it need soap? Yes? Push it all in there. Now start it. Where’s the button? Is it this button? Is it that button? What cycle is it on? What water temperature is it? Did you start it? How long will it take? Now wash that pan. You have to wash the pan separately.

Meanwhile life is passing you by!!!

You think a dishwasher makes washing the dishes “easier?” That’s where you’re wrong, Jeff. The plain truth is that a dishwasher—a machine that exists as a tangible representation of the public’s lack of critical thinking skills—actually makes washing dishes more of a hassle. All you need to wash a dang dish is some water and a sponge.

You don’t need a flipping robot!!!

You’re probably asking yourself, “Hamilton, to what do you attribute the widespread prevalence of dishwashers in American homes despite the fact that they are purely unnecessary and can be easily replaced by a $1 sponge and four cents worth of store brand dish soap?” I attribute this woeful situation to a lack of training in the home. Not being brought up right. Yes, I was raised without a dishwasher in the home, and guess what: the dishes still got washed in my house. Meanwhile across town, people had dishwashers and were drinking during the daytime. It makes you wonder where your parents’ priorities were.

When building my resume to attain the position of blog guy, I washed a lot of dishes—many of them professionally. I’ve used a dishwasher and I’ve not used a dishwasher. And I can tell you that dishwashers are a big old hassle that just isn’t worth the hassle. If you think different, you’re probably lazy and not too good at calculating the value of your own time.

Sorry for telling the truth—I know you hate that.

[Photo: Flickr]