Faced with a shifting marketplace, McDonald’s has ventured into the burgeoning Siberian restaurant scene and attempted to rebrand itself as a “modern progressive burger company.” Shockingly, neither of these totally credible business strategies have managed to offset the existential threat posed by rival burger companies, like Five Guys and Shake Shack, who distinguish themselves by selling actual organic food in their restaurants.

Infiltrating America’s schools is possibly a viable growth strategy stateside, but what can be done to rescue the brand from the competition overseas? The answer, according to the McDonald’s braintrust, is a “range of burgers” developed in conjunction with Michelin-starred restaurants that will include “the thickest patty ever sold by McDonald’s,” reports The Guardian.

The new burgers will be trialled at 28 restaurants in London, the south and Manchester before being rolled out to 400 McDonald’s restaurants next summer.

The trick, I suppose, will be integrating the tastes and culinary acumen of talented chefs with the beloved McFlavor we’ve all grown to McLove, even while it is almost certainly McKilling us.

The extra thickness of the meat means customers will have to wait for their burger to be served, in contrast to the company’s traditional hamburgers and Big Macs.

McDonald’s food development director Duncan Cruttenden says these burgers are the result of customer feedback:

“When the chef council started to develop this new premium offering, we worked with a brief generated by our customers – they told us they wanted thicker beef patties and high quality ingredients, freshly prepared.”

We would like human-grade food, please. Better hire some real chefs for that one!

These “Signature Collection” burgers will be served on brioche buns, and could someday be rolled out to McDonald’s locations all over the world, so long as they’re popular among the good people of Britain.

[The Guardian]

Image via AP