Content warning: hot girls experiencing hypoxia.
If you’ve ever read my work, you know that I have an insatiable appetite for new experiences, and I love immersing myself in other cultures as long as I’m laying down and spending a lot of money on my phone while doing it. So when I heard about a new Swiss innovation that combined all of my passions — and fed my wanderlust to boot — I knew I had to try it. I’m talking about the sleek, portable, and highly Instagrammable 3-D printed Sarco Suicide Pod.
According to the Daily Beast, the person who wants to die must first answer an online questionnaire to ensure they’re dying by their own decision. If the algo gives them the all-go, they’ll be granted an access code and the coordinates of the capsule.
Philip Nitschke, the inventor of the Sarco, told a Swiss newspaper, “The machine can be towed anywhere for the death, It can be in an idyllic outdoor setting or in the premises of an assisted-suicide organization, for example.”
Right now, the Sarco is only a prototype in Switzerland, a place where assisted suicide is legal. But once it reaches these shores? I know where I’m going: Miami! Or maybe Starbucks. A Starbucks in a mall in Miami. Anywhere where there are a lot of people around so I can find someone to take a good pic of me in there. I don’t want to actually die in the pod, don’t be vulgar. I just want to finally crack 160 likes on Instagram with the resulting post. Maybe the caption can be like, “Ded.” or some lyric from My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade.” I just want guys to think I’m emotionally complex and/or have a twisted sense of humor. They get to decide what I mean.
Anyway, I know it’s fun to joke around like this online with friends, but it’s all a lie. I’m so afraid to die.