For the first time since 2018, the Oscars will have a host. That’s the news coming in from the Television Critics Association Winter Tour, where Craig Erwich, President of ABC and Hulu Originals, made the announcement. No other details were announced, namely who the heck it’s going to be.
The job of hosting the Oscars is notoriously difficult, and most people are very bad at it. Remember when Ellen Degeneres’s big moves were ordering pizza and taking a selfie with Kevin Spacey? I’m sure you’re rollicking with laughter at the memory. This is all to say that choosing who this host will be is a daunting task. You want someone who’s funny, will bring in ratings, and will be able to make a nearly four-hour ceremony feel entertaining even during the part that’s just sound editing and production design awards. That being said, I have been an Oscar obsessive for almost 20 years, and I think I know what it takes to be a good host. Here are my brilliant ideas.
I know I have already said that she should host Jeopardy!, and I was correct then too. She’s already incredibly famous from hosting various reality shows where delusional people embarrass themselves, so she’ll feel right at home. A huge plus is that her comedy is raunchy, so we’d get lots of cuts to Nicole Kidman and Steven Spielberg laughing uncomfortably.
Pete Davidson and Julia Fox
He’s a famous comedian, she’s an up-and-coming actress the world is fascinated by, kind of. It makes sense for them to be paired together to host cinema’s biggest night. Let them crack a few jokes about Timothée Chalamet in Dune and the age gap controversy in Licorice Pizza, but under no circumstances are they allowed to address the elephant in the room. Now that’s good TV.
If you tell him he’s actually doing a vaudevillian one-man show as Billy Crystal in the '90s he will knock it out of the park.
John Early and Kate Berlant
If we’re being serious about this endeavor, you should just get two of the funniest people alive to host. Are you watching Search Party? Do you listen to Poog? Then you already know that this is a great idea and that I am actually a genius.
We all know that she’s been a host before, and to be honest I think waking up every morning at the crack of dawn to host The View sounds way harder than hosting the Oscars for just one night. As host, she would get to do two of her favorite things: speak uninterrupted for minutes at a time and wear an elaborate if not tasteful hairstyle.
Holograms of The People Who Have Died in the Last Few Months
Betty White, Bob Saget, Norm Macdonald, Sidney Poitier, and Joan Didion all take the stage to welcome the Oscars back after a weak year. It’s horrible to look at, but the jokes are good and the idea is just despicable enough to make Twitter blow up for about 72 hours, which is now the purpose of television.
A Completely Normal Person
Literally just someone off the street. It would be part Truman Show, part Survivor as we watch some woman named Kelsey who works in sales try to introduce The Power of the Dog. Maybe she’s funny! Or maybe she would immediately pass out from the pressure. Either way I’m sure people would tune in just to see how it works out.
My Editor, George Civeris
Ask anyone at Gawker, every single day I log on and tell my coworkers, “George should host the Oscars.” Have you seen his stand-up? It’s phenomenal, and he’d do a great job. He loves movies and actresses, so he’s already more qualified than most people who end up with the job. (Ed. note: Thank you, Olivia.)