It’s become more evident that no one in their right mind would ever actually stay at a White Lotus resort. The managers at these hotels are always going through some kind of personal crisis, the people who stay there are psychotic, and someone is always getting killed. On this season of The White Lotus, which wraps up this Sunday, multiple people are getting killed. Maybe next season will be about the real estate magnate who owns these resorts trying to figure out how to stop people from being murdered at his (or HER) establishments.
With only one episode left, we have absolutely no idea who will be dead by the end of this week’s finale. And frankly, that’s fine. I won’t be sad to see any of these people floating face down in the Ionian Sea. However there are some characters who are more likely to face an untimely demise, and others who we want to see take the world’s longest nap. We already know that Meghann Fahy’s Daphne and Sabrina Impacciatore’s Valentina make it out alive, but let’s check in with everyone else.
We all love Jennifer Coolidge; she’s an icon, a legend, mother, whatever you want to call her. But it’s time for her to check out. First of all, it would not make sense for her to return to The White Lotus next season. Tanya may be a space cadet, but she’s not stupid and I doubt she would continue to vacation at a resort chain where death seems to follow her. On top of that, her husband probably wants her dead so he can take her money and is enlisting Tom Hollander’s character to help him do something nefarious to that end.
Is She Going to Die: I think so. Portia is going to find her body and get blood all over her finest Lisa Says Gah daisy print pants.
Do We Want Her to Die: Don’t we all want to see Coolidge do something else? Remember how good she was in Promising Young Woman? Let’s let her be free.
It would actually be so funny if she was the one who died, but it’s not going to happen. If it did, it would be some kind of freak accident in which she crawled under the piano because she dropped a funky earring and then it collapsed on her.
Is She Going to Die: Nope.
Do We Want Her to Die: Unfortunately, being annoying is not a crime punishable by death. I hope she lives a long life and spins whatever tragedy is about to befall her into a substantial Instagram following.
Whatever shenanigans are going on with Quentin and Greg (Tanya’s husband) are certainly weird, but I don’t see them ending in his death. Could he be the killer instead? Well, that’s certainly possible — his home is the only place where we’ve seen a gun so far. Money (and lack thereof) makes people act crazy, that’s the whole point of the show. I imagine Greg has promised him some of Tanya’s money in exchange for killing her, which would allow him to keep his Palermo palazzo. In a cruel twist, he will end up losing the palazzo due to being in Italian prison.
Is He Going to Die: Probably not?
Do We Want Him to Die: Absolutely not. I want next season to be about Quentin throwing coke-fueled parties at a ski resort in Zurich.
This frickin’ guy. I don’t think he’s on the chopping block, but he will get really aggressive and scary with Portia right before she finds Tanya’s body. And it will be a lesson to her about trusting hot men.
Is He Going to Die: No, but he will return to Essex with a crazy story for his mates at the pub.
Do We Want Him to Die: Nah.
Harper is playing with fire right now. Is she cheating on Ethan with Cameron? Or is she just playing with his mind? Either way, she is turning Ethan into a simmering pot of rage, which if you recall is the same position Jake Lacy’s Shane was in last season when he killed someone. I wouldn’t be surprised if this season’s murder was about “sensitive” and “good” men being capable of doing horrible things to their wives.
Is She Going to Die: Yes!
Do We Want Her to Die: No! She deserves better than death at the hands of new money.
Say it with me: Just because a guy is hot does not mean that he can’t be an incel. His predilection for porn over having sex with his smokin’ hot wife is the red flag here. He resents Cameron for being jealous of him, and now he resents Cameron for trying to fuck Harper? This is the stuff Dateline episodes are made of. He is going to freak out and accidentally kill Harper, and then when Cameron is like, “What the fuck,” he’s going to kill him, too.
Is He Going to Die: No, because he is the killer.
Do We Want Him to Die: No, because he seems like he’s going through a lot right now.
Dead. Dead, dead, dead. This guy is dead.
Is He Going to Die: Yeah.
Do We Want Him to Die: Yeah.
The Di Grasso Boys
I’ve lumped these guys together because I don’t think any of them are going to die. I think they will all have a reckoning about how they have treated the women in their lives, and will have to live out the rest of their days thinking about all the ways in which they have been evil/weird to women. Bert will reckon with the way he cheated on his wife and how she stayed with him. Dominic will try, once again, to apologize to his wife. And Albie will hopefully realize that women who are nice to him don’t actually owe him anything.
Are They Going to Die: No.
Do We Want Them to Die: I never want to see Michael Imperioli die on TV again. It was painful enough the first time. If Albie died, I would be fine with it. If Bert died, I would feel nothing.
All this girl wants to do is sing “That’s Amoré” for tourists, and she’s not really close enough to anyone else to warrant being murdered. She’s going to be fine.
Is She Going to Die: No, but one of the Di Grassos is going to get her a record deal.
Do We Want Her to Die: Not at all, she’s done nothing to no one except almost kill the hotel’s actual piano player.
I think we’re all supposed to think that Lucia is in some kind of trouble and that she is the body that Daphne finds in the sea. She’s being followed by her pimp, Cameron still owes her money, and she’s too enmeshed with the Di Grassos for anything good to happen. This is what we in the biz call a red herring. She’s going to be fine.
Is She Going to Die: Nope.
Do We Want Her to Die: No! We do want to take a picture of her to our hairstylist though.