If there’s one thing I learned last winter, the loneliest of my life, it’s that darkness and isolation breed consumption. Online shopping and dedicating oneself to crafts didn’t work all that well as a salve for the injured soul last year; if we’re going to survive this winter, we’re going to have to buy new stuff and watch new programming, buoyed by the promise that those acts alone will make us new people.
In 2022, we are upping the ante. Here’s how you’ll be spending the season:
2021: Air frying
2022: At-home raclette
Air frying was never all that. You’re going to have a chicken thigh that’s burnt on the outside and pink as a human asscheek inside. Nothing tastes good air-fried. This year, we’re abandoning all pretense. We’re buying this at-home raclette machine for $164. It warms cheese.
2021: HBO’s The Sopranos
2022: HBO’s Autopsy
It’s not scripted, but it is arguably less anti-Italian American.
2021: Supply chain issues
2022: Issues of Betty & Veronica Double Digest
More fun to read than tabloids now that your livelihood is writing about Queen Elizabeth and Jojo Siwa.
2021: Espresso martinis
2022: Pudding cups with smashed Oreos on top that look like dirt and gummy worms with a shot of Midori melon liqueur on the side.
It accomplishes the exact same three-minute-long-and-not-a-second-more euphoria, plus it’s good exposure therapy for when, in seven years, we’ll all be scavenging for food.
2021: Walking dates
2022: Reading Gawker out loud to your lover in the park off an iPad like when Bradley Cooper read Lolita to Suki Waterhouse
2021: Amateur bread baking
2022: Amateur wheat harvesting
Have you ever wondered how a beautiful stalk of wheat waving in a field in central Indiana can turn into a pasta noodle? You’ve got the time and the skill to learn this year.
2021: Indoor plants
2022: In-bedroom shrimp tanks
Why go through the water-on-the-floor thing again? Harvest your own shrimp. It’s fun for little kids and lovers to ooh and ahh at, plus it’s cheaper and safer than going out for dinner if you’ve got a good meat thermometer. Shrimp freezes well too, raw or cooked, and it might be nice to have easily accessible protein.
2021: Tie dyeing
2022: Nautical rope instruction via Klutz kit, with the intention of setting sail to an unknown Utopia
2021: Nap dresses
2022: CPAP machines
You’re never going to solve your way out of an insomnia problem by binding your boobs with smocking with the wild hope that maybe if you happen to die in the night someone will find an ethereal looking corpse. No way. This year, we’re accessorizing just a little differently. Access to an oxygen tank, especially while sleeping in a bunker or in a room with eight other long-haired women, is essential for survival.
2021: Rescue dogs
2022: Purebred Mexican xoloitzcuintles
Puppy mills are back, baby, and hairless dogs never left. Xolo dogs are intimidating, unlike your rescue dog who is afraid of the wind.
2021: Olivia Rodrigo’s “Driver’s License”
2022: Renewing your driver’s license
It’s a relatively safe activity that can occupy non-work hours for two whole weeks, especially if you’re like me and you realized you’ve been using a suspended license for six months because there was a warrant out for your arrest in southern Utah for an unpaid speeding ticket. Once renewed, you can go anywhere, find a new guru, stop drinking Midori and doing weed alone. Strap your dog in. Bring clean drinking water, flour, and shrimp.
2022: The cult of Mary Ruth and her liquid vitamins
We’re taking care of our gut microbiomes and sorry, I don’t always like to work blue like this, but I think Mary Ruth’s Liquid Plant-Based Probiotic accomplishes almost the exact same level of pants-pooping as the horse dewormer does, just without the risk of your stomach lining dropping out. Mary Ruth, the titular vitamin impresario, seems to be engaging in some Goop-level Leaning In, and she might be a good new mommy/community leader for you in your new life.
2021: Loneliness and sexlessness
2022: Smiling quietly looking at photos of fennec foxes you saved to your phone on images.google.com before the country’s internet grid tanked
You can show your purebred xolo dog too, if you’d like.