The Georgia Bulldogs defeated the Alabama Crimson Tide on Monday to win their first college football national championship since 1980. Almost everyone who was alive the last time they won, more than 40 years ago, is now dead (give or take). The ghosts of the 1980 Georgia Bulldogs haunted the walls of the Georgia football house and everyone was scared about it — until now. Thank you for vanquishing them, Bulldogs, and thank you in particular to Stetson Bennett, the starting quarterback who was forced to appear while still celebratorily wasted this morning on Good Morning America:
“Naa umm you know ahh, heh … naah, well, you know,” said Stetson. “Everybody who’s here … you know, everybody who’s been successful,” he said, “… you know, you guys.” Oh gosh. Why are we making poor Stetson, a boy who is named “Stetson” and who will be played by Timothée Chalamet in the HBO limited series about this GMA interview, wake up early and talk to these heavily makeuped adults, when he should be ordering a delivery egg-and-cheese footlong while drinking a beer and vomiting?
To cover the game, maybe instead display a photo of the team and have each Good Morning America host give them a compliment. “This one had a good catch,” they could say, or “I heard this one also has good grades.” “This one is nice to his sister!” “This one had the winning touchdown.” “I heard this one has never been inappropriate with women.” That way they can watch it later this week and feel nice.
Post-win interviews with athletes are never particularly illuminating (always like: yeah, I mean, we just saw what we needed to do and we did it) but this one seems downright cruel. Please, Good Morning America, treat Stetson humanely. Bring him inside when it’s cold, and let him lie down off-air when he’s drunk.