Read the Satanist Erotica So Steamy It Made a Bishop Leave the Church
As translated by someone with middle school comprehension of Spanish
A Spanish bishop left the Catholic church because of a sex reason, but not the one you’re thinking. According to the BBC, forty-one-year-old Xavier Novell – Catalonia’s youngest bishop ever and a “rising star” in Spain’s Catholic Church – has fallen in love with a woman who writes “Satanic-tinged erotic fiction.”
Novell, who has carried out exorcisms and backs gay conversion therapy, found that the forbidden fruits of Spanish erotica author Silvia Caballol were too powerful to ignore. Caballol has written a series called Trilogía Amnesia which, lucky for us, is excerpted in incomplete chunks on Google Books.
Like this tumescent Bishop, I am a man of letters, and I had to see what words were so potent and so erotic that they caused a Papal fav to renounce his faith. Unfortunately, I abandoned my study of the language in ninth grade, so my understanding of Spanish literature is rudimentary and I had to rely on Google Translate, which, as you’ll see, didn’t do that good of a job.
Let’s get stimulated (estimulada):
In Trilogía Amnesia, the Spanish word for sex (sexo), is written zero times. The word “sex” is mentioned once, and what Google Books provided me is:
I don’t have enough sex appeal?
This lack of confidence in the boudoir is certainly not sexy enough to make The Young Bishop (dubbed thusly if you’re looking to option his story for either porn or HBO Max) go bad.
Despertado, the word for aroused, appeared a few times, but mostly in reference to the excitement that comes in anticipation of eating at a fabulous Chinese restaurant:
He has taken me to a fabulous Chinese restaurant that has awakened a lot of sensations of all kinds. There I have eaten chow mein, zongzi, dragon beard
Confused as to why this child’s play was considered hot and dangerous, I searched for the Spanish word for “wet” (mojada/mojado), ready to be defeated. Here things got a little interesting!
After having shed our wet clothes, Ryu lays me down on the bed, lying next to me. We are both facing each other looking at each other and talking to each other.
OK, I’m listening...
With trembling feet, wet and naked as I am, I slowly approach him; that he is a meter and a half away from me, revolver in hand
What have you made me super wet? Since I've seen you I just want to eat it all; you have a great fuck.
Now we’re getting somewhere. I’m sorry to have to say it like this, but I searched the text for the Spanish word for vagina (vagina):
He rubs his gifted member, simulating the movements of the sexual act, by my vagina, brushing my sensitive clitoris and making me suck on his lips
Cachondo, or the Spanish word for horny, also appeared:
As the hot water runs down my body, I remember how horny I got when, this morning, I had the little girl in my arms.
OK, ew! Alright! I’ve seen enough! With the erotic thriller part covered and understood, I went full Satanist. The Spanish word for a devil is demonio:
Again there was another chase through the gardens; the naked demon behind the scared angel who could not stop running in terror and with his heart.
Satan is Satán:
Shower satan repeats me severely — ¡No! I strongly oppose it. The man before me, he was completely gone. I was desperate and scared.
Having perfectly comprehended all of that, I can’t blame the Bishop. I would leave the man I made a vow to (God) for this romp, too.