On Monday, M&M’s announced on Twitter that they would move away from their use of their beloved, dumpy slut spokescandies, murdering them execution-style in favor of new spokesperson Maya Rudolph. Their statement begins: “America, let’s talk.” It continues:
“In the last year, we’ve made some changes to our beloved spokescandies. We weren’t sure if anyone would even notice. And we definitely didn’t think it would break the internet. But now we get it — even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing. Which was the last thing M&M’S wanted since we’re all about bringing people together.
Therefore, we have decided to take an indefinite pause from the spokescandies. In their place, we are proud to introduce a spokesperson America can agree on: the beloved Maya Rudolph. We are confident Ms. Rudolph will champion the power of fun to create a world where everyone feels they belong.”
The company is seemingly capitulating to the whining of Tucker Carlson and other right-wing talking Animoji dog heads who have, for some time now, been very sad that the M&M cartoons don’t get them hard anymore. Last year Carlson was mad about how the slutty green one stopped wearing her high heels, and now he’s mad, for an incomprehensible reason, at the new purple one.
“The green M&M got her boots back, but apparently is now a lesbian, maybe? And there's also a plus-sized, obese purple M&M, so we're gonna cover that, of course. Because that's what we do,” Carlson said, with visible shame, in a recent segment dedicated to the fact that M&M’s debuted a bag with new graphics.
I guess he’s mad because the purple one’s stated MO is to “help more people feel they belong," which is anti-American and gay. But now we’re expected to believe M&M’s is jettisoning their sweet little cartoon candies because of this guy’s weird ass and the weird-ass shit he says. Luckily, though, I do not (believe that they are doing that).
You cannot trust the public output of any large corporation from Jan. 15 until after the Super Bowl. It is a time period second only to April Fool’s Day in terms of companies being annoying. I’m sure you remember when Mr. Peanut died. It’s my prediction that the spokescandies are going to be in some sort of Super Bowl commercial with Maya Rudolph that references Tucker Carlson.
Will being correct in my prediction absolve me of the shame of still having written about the publicity stunt here? No. But like Tucker Carlson and, indeed, our beloved spokescandies themselves, I have a job to do. The spokescandies have not been executed. They are safe.
You will see them again.