Girls just aren’t allowed to look hot anymore. Last week we learned that the Green M&M had received a make-under, and now they’re coming for Minnie Mouse: The famously femme rodent will be donning a pantsuit for the first time.
The new look, designed by Stella McCartney, is for Disneyland Paris’s 30th anniversary. The monstrosity is a navy blue polka dot number, something that Jenna Lyons might wear if she lost her mind. “We share the same values,” McCartney said of the character who is most famous for being someone’s girlfriend. “What I love about Minnie is the fact that she embodies happiness, self-expression, authenticity, and that she inspires people of all ages around the world.” What if she was happiest and most authentic in a frilly little skirt?
Look at her. What business meeting is she going to? Does she have kids that she needs to pick up from daycare? Is she trying to assert herself in a male-dominated field? She doesn’t — shouldn’t — need to change her appearance to be taken seriously.
If this happens a third time, it will be a trend of dumpy slut-ifying some of the most beloved icons of multi-billion corporations. I feel as though I have no choice but to steel myself for what might come next. Here are some tweets that I will be saving in my drafts for when sexiness is no longer allowed for spokescartoons.
- How dare they give the Sun-Maid Raisins woman a bob???
- Slimming down the Kool-Aid Man is a refusal to acknowledge that everyone loves a big guy.
- Why the FUCK would you put a shirt on the Starbucks mermaid? Let her be free!
- Taking away Mr. Clean’s earring? I’m starting the Himbo Rights Watch.
- Now why did they go and give Wendy TERF bangs…
That should cover all my bases.