Facetuning yourself for the benefit of hot people online is tricky. If you make your eyes too big or your nose too narrow in a sad bid to look like Ariana Grande, your followers are going to know you’re faking it immediately. You need a gentle touch and an expert eye, which not many of us have.
Luckily, I’ve found a filter that does all the work for you, and it does it perfectly every time. And today, I’m revealing my little secret exclusively for the first time.
But first: Here’s me.
Thirty years old. Minimal cosmetic intervention, though I’d obviously jump at the chance to get a Dr. Jason Diamond nose job in exchange for social media exposure. Men love to comment on my eyebrows, and when I’m lucky, select other parts of my face. But I’m not complaining. It’s all fine. I’ve kissed enough people to be satisfied. I have a beautiful dog. In this photo, I could be making a different face or open my eyes a little bit more or blowdry my hair, but I’m trying to prove a point.
Now let’s get down to business. The first step for the perfect mild catfish is to download a filter on Instagram called Shrek is Love by ryleevigor. When using it, you’ll enter an augmented reality wherein Shrek, of the titular Shrek trilogy, is cradling you, like he’s your boyfriend. If you want him to, you can tap tap, and he gives you a little kiss. His hand is on your chest. It’s erotic.
But Shrek is merely incidental to my easy catfish hack. Don’t look at him. Look how beautiful I look with this filter. This is not what I look like!
But I don’t want potential suitors thinking I’m taken (by Shrek) if I use this photo on a dating app, for example. So the next and final step is the close crop. Shrek is gone, but I’m still beautiful.
In this instance, I decided to keep just a touch of Shrek’s ear in frame just to pique the interest of my followers and potential lovers. I want to be mysterious. I want people to think I have friends who are straight men. With Shrek, I am guys’ girl.
My coworkers were so awed with my easy catfish hack using the Shrek Is Love filter that they had to see if it worked for them. And well — it did. It works for everyone!
What is Olivia doing blogging when she could be walking the runways of Milan?
Why is Leah using her mind as editor-in-chief when she could be using her perfectly symmetrical face to look just the right amount of surprised during a sponsored unboxing video?
What is Tammie doing testing out new cocktail recipes when she could be drinking all night for free at any bar of her choosing across the great city of New York?
Not sure why George cut his teeth podcasting and being a stand-up comedian in Boston when he could have been making bank working at Sexy Unique Restaurant?
Jocelyn is a managing editor, but it is us who better “manage” our expectations about matching with her on Tinder. Or better, Raya. She’s too good for any of us.
Kelly is married to her dog, but maybe for our sake, she’ll open up the relationship? Va va voom!
Sarah is one of the most biting cultural commentators on Twitter, but with a face like that, why would she waste her time developing thoughts or opinions?
Jack is Gawker's design guru, but he's a work of art himself.
Tarpley was once called "Joni Mitchell meets Harley Quinn." More like Kendall Jenner meets Hailey Bieber!
Now all they have to do is close crop and voilà. Catfishing has never been easier.