Mother’s really done it this time, hasn’t she? She’s died and now it’s her funeral. If you thought we might skip the funeral since we already had to watch her die, and maybe instead for the final episode of This Is Us we could take a peek into the future (Senator Brother becoming President Brother, Actor Brother winning an Oscar for “Best House Building Company,” Sister spreading her … music program … all over the world, or whatever)? Well, we’re not gonna do that. We’re just gonna go to her funeral. So fuck you!
HOW WAS MOTHER’S FUNERAL?
Well, you know. Sad, I guess. We didn’t actually experience most of the funeral, now that I’m thinking about it. We mostly just watched it silently, while moving music played in the background. It definitely looked like a funeral. There was a picture of young Mother in a frame and everything.
SO, IF I MAY ASK … WHAT WAS THE EPISODE?
It was mostly a flashback to a rainy day when the kids were stuck inside. Undead Father taught the boys to shave. Sister played pin the tail on the donkey. The parents did parenting. The children did like … this sort of song presentation for Undead Mother, though that was in an earlier flashback than the rainy day flashback. I guess the song was supposed to explain the origin of the term “The Big Three” (because they refer to themselves as “the big three” in it) but personally I didn’t need an origin story for that. I kinda got it. (There’s three of them.)
Well, Senator Brother’s eldest daughter told him that her unborn child is going to be a boy. As a man himself, he was excited about that. He’s also probably going to the Iowa State Fair.
LIKE DAVID FOSTER WALLACE?
No, that was Illinois. He says the DNC wants him to go to Iowa to position him for a presidential run. So we just have to assume he’ll one day be President Brother. (Ideally there will be a spinoff: This Is President and His Ballet Wife.)
I’m trying to remember what else happened. Sister’s ex-husband gave her a little pre-funeral talk where he said he loved her. (Sister’s new husband, from You’re the Worst, was nowhere to be found. Suspicious?) Senator Brother’s wife also gave him a pre-funeral talk. Actor Brother must have done something, but I’m not recalling what it was. And then at the end they talked to each other about how they can’t drift apart now that Mother has died.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE GIVEN CLOSURE?
Ummm. Well, something that bothered me is immediately after the episode’s final words were spoken, NBC launched into ads for a cop show and a hospital show. You’re not even gonna let us hear the credits song one last time, NBC? You’re gonna make us watch ads for a cop show and a hospital show, while we’re grieving?
I know. But ultimately how I feel is: Thank god this show is over. It was torture and I’m angry that I had to experience it. There are enough things to cry about. I’m never subjecting myself to a sad television show ever again. No more crying about fake people.
The only thing I’m watching now is Gilmore Girls. And Happy Endings.
NOT TOO MANY EPISODES OF THAT ONE.
I’ll just rewatch the ones there are.
WHAT ABOUT REAL HOUSEWIVES?
Yeah, also Real Housewives. And that will last me for a while.
I guess this is goodbye, then.
I GUESS SO. THE BIG TWO.
The big two …
C’MON SAMMY … REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS? REMEMBER WHAT WE ALWAYS USED TO SAY TO EACH OTHER?
‘Course I do.
‘MEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS?