Dunkin’ (née Donuts) has the best hash browns on the fast food market. They stand out for their seasoning — which, according to a Dunkin’ blog post, is a proprietary blend that contains sage, garlic, and parsley — and for their shape, which is little medallion. They are sometimes soggy, and it’s fine. They are often crisp, and it’s perfection. They are always warm. In fact, they never even have a chance to become cold. This is because they are sold exclusively and incorrectly in bags of six; a crime for which Dunkin' Donuts LLC, its parent organization Inspire Brands, and its subsidiaries Mister Donut and Dunkin Donuts Canada Ltd. have yet to pay.
It’s time to hold them accountable.
“Our hash browns are lightly seasoned and golden brown for maximum goodness,” Dunkin’ says, in a description of its hash browns. “Delicious on their own or paired with a sandwich.” And it’s so true. The hash browns are a delight; easily eaten while driving, or as a passenger in a car, or while walking, or at home, or somewhere not mentioned. They are lovely when paired with a not-very-good donut. A serving size is an entire order (six hash browns) and it is 130 calories. They come in the size of waxy grease bag that a “small” order of fries from a different fast food restaurant might.
This is a child’s portion. In an adult’s hand, it fits snugly in the palm; no gripping necessary. Every time you order, it is as if Dunkin’ has run out of hash browns and they are offering you the last ones they could scrape together. You imagine them running around the store, asking other customers who were given larger sizes if they are “done” with their hash browns and if they might consider “donating” a hash brown to this poor sap’s tiny bag of them. “Does anyone have another hash brown?? And is there a smaller bag we could put these in??” they’re running around the back, screaming. “Do we offer a ‘kid’s meal’ here, or anything like that?!” Except this is not the case. There is only one size, seemingly on purpose. And it is small.
According to the internet, an order of hash browns is $1.29. I thought it was $.99, but I would never doubt information I’ve found online. I generally end up buying three bags, as 18 is the correct number of Dunkin’ hash browns to have. I’m always saying this to my boyfriend at the drive-thru (he’s driving): “Can I get an order of hash browns? Actually, can I get three?” That is nearly four dollars, and it makes me look inelegant. At McDonald’s, a large size of fries is $1.89 and you just have to say: “I’ll have a large order of fries, please.” A request almost royal in its elegance.
Dunkin’ is robbing me of both money and perceived elegance. It is time for it to stop. There must be more than one size of hash brown portion offered. There should be: small, medium, large. And if there must only be one size, make it large. Thank you.
Dunkin’ has not yet responded to to Gawker’s request for comment on whether they plan to at any point offer a larger portion of hash brown.