Getting the whole family together for Thanksgiving always seems like a nice idea. Then the wine starts flowing and the conversation veers towards current events, and you wonder: How am I even related to these drooling morons who are actively leading to the downfall of democracy and toward whom I typically express anger in a completely unproductive way? Yes, in our increasingly divided world, there’s no chance you and your siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and various in-laws will all be on the same page about the topics du jour. But luckily you’ve thought ahead — and you’ll be prepared.
Before you sit down at the table, take a look at our guide to winning every argument you’re going to come across over the course of your feast. Uncle Jack and Aunt Mary aren’t gonna know what hit them, and when it comes time to give thanks … they’ll be thanking you for changing their mind!
Argument: Who was Rory’s best boyfriend?
Their side: Jess — he was hot and he actually understood Rory. Dean was controlling and Rory was out of his league, and Logan was a bad influence. Jess, on the other hand, always knew how to help Rory course-correct after she’d gotten into a bad situation. He helped her understand she had to re-enroll at Yale, and he helped her realize she wanted to write a memoir. And he’s only gotten hotter.
How you win: Logan — he was hot, he understood Rory, he had connections in the media industry, and he was rich. It seems like Rory is, unfortunately, not that talented. She had no ideas in her meeting with SandeeSays, and she couldn’t pull off a piece about people waiting in lines, an idea that was provided to her. She’s going to need all the help she can get. And, as a floundering Yale legacy and graduate, her big idea is to write a memoir about an unknown white mother and daughter who come from immense wealth? Who is buying that? Bad idea, Jess. As Mitchum Hunzberger once said, life is about making the most of everything you're handed. She was handed Logan. And he has also only gotten hotter. And luckily Rory is a cheater, so she can cheat with Jess. (Logan will also cheat.)
Argument: When Lorelai came to Mia as a teenage runaway with a newborn baby in tow, should Mia have sent her back to her parents or taken her in?
Their side: Mia was right to take her in and give her a job and a place to stay. Lorelai was almost 18, after all, and if she had returned her to her parents, she would have just run away again. Mia gave her a good job and helped her start a life for herself and for Rory.
How you win: Lorelai was 17 and this was essentially a double kidnapping. Mia was a weirdo for this. Creep vibes. Weird ass. She should have returned her to her parents.
Argument: Was “A Year in the Life” Good or Bad?
Their side: It was bad.
How you win: Yeah but it was good enough.
Argument: Is Rory a bad friend?
Their side: Rory was demonstrably a bad friend to both Lane and Paris. She was self-centered, flip, and condescending; just like Lorelai often was to Sookie.
How you win: Rory was a bad friend to Lane. However, Rory was frequently kind to Paris in their high school years despite Paris’s consistent betrayals, which I can imagined soured the remainder of their friendship; because of this I don’t see much fault with her sometimes treating Paris without a lot of care in their later years, aside from the obvious problem of living with bad energy. At this point in adulthood it seems Rory and Paris have a friendship not of love but of mutual benefit, which seems to work for them. Rory was horrible to Lane though, yes, and continues to be.
Argument: Who was Lorelai’s best boyfriend?
Their side: Luke and Lorelai were made for each other. Luke was the guy for her from day one. He just gets her, and he was the only real father-figure Rory ever had.
How you win: Lorelai should have married Jason Stiles. Luke is annoying. Always in a bad mood. Hid the fact that he had a daughter, canceled their wedding. He was only nice to Lorelai when he didn’t have her. Jason Stiles, on the other hand, was charming, understood Lorelai, knew how to banter, and wanted to be with Lorelai even after she ruined his career for no reason and then dumped him. That’s love.
Argument: Is Dean terrible or just misunderstood?
Their side: Terrible.
How you win: Terrible.
Argument: What is the worst season?
Their side: Season seven, hands down. It just wasn’t right without Amy Sherman-Palladino and Dan Palladino. The dialogue was terrible, Lorelai and Christopher shouldn’t have gotten married, and it was cruel to impregnate Lane with twins after she had sex for the first time.
How you win: Season six. While the final season was the worst in terms of dialogue, it mainly served to correct unnecessary problems that arose — Lorelai and Rory’s fight, April’s existence, Lorelai sleeping with Christopher, etc. — in the season that preceded it. It did the best it could do with the hand it was dealt. I wish the same could be said for Rory!