As any red-blooded male American knows, the Super Bowl is just around the corner. But so is Valentine’s Day, which falls on the Monday after the big game, effectively making Super Bowl weekend also Valentine’s Day weekend. This presents a dire problem: how can big strong man enjoy football while must please sexy/nagging lady? As a certain beacon of masculinity recently pointed out, “No way any guy can be expected to think about Vday till football season is over. It’s ridiculous and setting all men up for failure.”
But what if there was a way? Here at Girl Gawker, we care about our fellas and do NOT want them to fail: not at sports spectatorship, not at romantic gestures. You can have it all — just follow these tips for how to combine love for the ol’ pigskin with love for your hot date:
Tune Into the Sensual Side of Football
Watch the way these men at their physical prime tackle each other, hands gripping at muscled bodies, forms rolling around on the verdant turf. Feel each bead of sweat dripping down their rough-skinned faces. Hear the primal grunts emanating from deep within their barreled chests. Watching this carnal display, imagine that you are a Greek warrior wrestling for honor and glory. You are ready to conquer.
Make Her Feel Included
Women love talking almost as much as they hate being ignored. Stay on your broad’s good side by occasionally turning to her after you share some banal trivia about Joe Burrow and uttering these two magic words: “Right, babe?”
Make Your Man Cave Dateworthy
How long has it been since your basement-level bachelor pad was hospitable to human life? Open a window and air the place out, for Christ’s sake. Throw out all the discarded beer cans and pizza boxes, pick up the dozens (?) of pungent jockstraps I’m sure you have laying around, put down a fresh layer of roach gel — hell, maybe even set out a couple of the scented candles that your last girlfriend gave you before you broke up two years ago because you called her “dude.” There, you’re almost ready to go from Super Bowl watch party to a romantic night in.
Wear a Nice Shirt Under Your Team Jersey
Let’s say you went a little too hard at the bar or your friend’s party or wherever you ended up in an unfortunate blackout state on Sunday night. Even if you wake up the next day with no idea what time it is or your current geographic location, you might be able to hustle to wherever you agreed to meet your girl and rip off the vomit- and buffalo sauce-stained jersey just in time for your date, revealing a presentable-looking — if a tiny bit rumpled and rank — outfit underneath.
Bet a Ton of Money
Super Bowl Sunday is the biggest day of the year for sports betting, probably. Go big or go home, my man. Put all your money on your favored team, and then when you become rich the next day, take your girl to her favorite restaurant. No reservation? No problem, slip the host a Benjamin (you have lots of those now) and watch as a table appears for you out of nowhere like in Goodfellas.
Repurpose Leftovers For a Homemade Valentine’s Dinner
All ladies really want out of Valentine’s Day is to take a load off and have their man cook dinner for them. Luckily for you, you’ll probably have a fridge full of wings and dips that can be easily repurposed into a gourmet meal for your gourmet lady. Seven-layer dip? That’s basically a salad. Jalapeño poppers? Well those are now roasted chili peppers filled with crème fraîche. That sixer of Busch Light in the fridge? It’s a fine lager from a St. Louis-based small batch brewery.
Honestly, Just Propose to Her
Say none of the above suggestions worked and your bitch of a girlfriend has put you in the doghouse. Whatever heinous things you were yelling at the TV the day before will be completely erased from her mind the minute you get down on one knee. Don’t have a ring? Well, tell her that you couldn’t wait another minute without her being your partner-in-crime for life and that you want her to pick her own ring. She’ll find that really empowering.