This coming Monday, the Primetime Emmys will air, a cheerful celebration of how beloved the Succession cast is and a reminder that Squid Game happened and is still happening. Maybe you’d like to place some bets on the evening’s affairs. Here are some well-researched but mostly spontaneous predictions about how the night will go.
Weird Tribute to the Queen
It’s not like there’s a season of The Crown to award, so someone is going to feel obligated to say something about the passing of awards favorite Queen Elizabeth. It could go a few different ways: there could be a tribute to Queen Elizabeth on television (she sure did appear on people’s TVs a lot), a weepy female performer could shout her out while clutching their gold statuette, or maybe Jason Sudeikis will make some inane little joke whenever he wins his latest Ted Lasso Emmy for saying “alrighty then” while having a mustache.
Battle of the SNL alums
Bill Hader and Jason Sudeikis are up against each other for Barry and Ted Lasso, respectively, two of the most successful post-SNL shows in a long time. Both have been Emmy darlings, but never competed against each other — now they’re up against each other both in best lead actor and best comedy series. Barry and Ted Lasso had shaky third and second seasons, so I’ll split the difference and put my money on Abbott Elementary.
Speaking of Abbott Elementary
In a sea of bloated, binge-worthy, streaming shows, it’s possible that the Emmys will go all in on one of the best and most successful network shows in a minute. Or they will just keep handing trophies to Mrs. Maisel (no one in that primary cast is Jewish, btw — they’re all doing a voice).
Big Night for HBO
Succession… Hacks… The White Lotus… Sydney Sweeney… HBO/HBO Max might be in the financial doghouse, but they are going to come out Monday night with a lot of Emmy gold. Do you know anyone who even watched Dopesick? Please.
That’s Right: Sydney Sweeney Will Win An Emmy
I can’t say whether it’ll be for The White Lotus or Euphoria, but America’s princess will be taking home Emmy gold to celebrate at another impromptu hoedown with her family.
Did You Know Lizzo Had a Show on Amazon Prime and It Got Nominated for an Emmy?
Learning this now…
Ray Donovan: The Movie
Ray Donovan: The Movie. Any questions?
The Oscars Could Win an Emmy
Want another round of slap discourse? This could be your chance. The 2022 Oscars are up for “Variety Special: Live” against the Grammys (no), the Tonys (random), the Super Bowl Halftime Show (should win but Emmy voters definitely did not watch this), and the live episodes of The Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes (only my parents saw this). And though you may remember the slap better than the best picture winner (CODA smh), it would be fitting if this year’s ceremony won. And Ariana DeBose should accept the award. Why not!