I’m not going to pretend for even a moment that what we’re about to discuss is a real candle. I value your time enough to let you know immediately that the next four minutes you spend reading this blog post will be wasted. (You are not permitted to stop reading.)
Those wasted minutes are in honor of the time wasted by employees of candle company Apotheke and burger company Shake Shack; minutes they used to painstakingly employ “ScentTrek technology” to capture the “iconic scent of the Shack-Burger.” Minutes they used to create one of the bleakest items imaginable, a wholly unwantable product, a disturbing relic of centuries spent wasting Earth’s limited resources. Minutes they used to create a promotional candle … with a stinky scent.
Here is the description, from Apotheke:
“The first bite of a burger in the fresh Spring air of Madison Square Park. Green grass and fresh tomato help the Spring air come to life, while floral notes of daffodil, magnolia, and redbud petals capture the essence of the park in bloom. Notes of griddle smoke and the iconic scent of the Shack-Burger captured by our ScentTrek technology create a savory, yet perfectly balanced first bite.”
Hideous. But could the ScentTrek technology possibly have created a savory, yet perfectly balanced first bite (of this candle)? Because I have an adventurous and generous spirit, I’m willing to give it a shot. I will open my mind and my heart to the Apotheke x Shake Shack “Burger in the Park” candle. I invite surprise and delight into my life openly. Let’s see.
IS THE CANDLE GOOD?
HOW BAD IS IT?
Astonishingly bad. This candle does not offend merely in its lit state; its unlit state is almost equally as successful in causing olfactory distress. I was forced to borrow a lid from another candle to place on top of it in order to stop the scent of its hard beefy wax from leaking into my entire living room. I should be awarded hazard pay for reviewing it. I need you to understand the fact that I have to keep inviting this scent into my nostrils to review it accurately, and I need you to Venmo me as a thank you. After this is published I will remove this candle from my apartment with haste.
DOES IT SMELL LIKE A BURGER IN THE PARK?
You know, it does. I have to give it to the ScentTrek technology — it did indeed capture the iconic scent of the Shack-Burger, or at least a burger in general, or at least the idea of a burger, and also sort of the general idea of being outdoors somewhere that stinks. These are its stated notes:
Top: Green Grass, Griddle Smoke, Fresh Tomato
Mid: Shackburger, Daffodil, Magnolia
Dry: Oakwood, Redbud Petals, Moss
And I can smell what it’s attempting to do, but I would say the notes are more like this:
Top: Plastic Burger That Comes With Some Sort of Hideously Scented Fast Food-Themed Toy Set
Mid: Corpse Flower
Dry: A Section of the Park That, When You Walk Past It, Causes You to Hold Your Breath and Quicken Your Pace
WOULD IT BE GOOD AS A GIFT FOR SOMEONE WHO LOVES CANDLES AND SHAKE SHACK?
Oh my god, no. Unless you don’t like them and already have it in your possession. And it occurs to me now that this is indeed how I came to possess the candle — a friend got it for free and then “gifted” it to me in order that I might “review it.” Does this friend dislike me? You know … it’s possible.
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR, IF NOT A GIFT?
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate promotional brand candles that smell like shit on purpose. Useless objects, tacky premise. Please consult me if you are attempting to create a promotional brand candle. I am not cheap but I will help you avoid me hating you, which is priceless.
HOW MUCH IS IT?
I’m not telling you. It doesn’t matter.
ARE ALL APOTHEKE’S CANDLES AS BAD AS THIS?
No. I like their charcoal scent. :)