Imagine: a hot day, the sun beating down on the back of your neck, the contours of your prosthetic nose melting off, your sweat pooling under an old-timey wool suit. What could be more unbearable? This is summertime in New York City, and you are none other than Bradley Cooper playing Leonard Bernstein in the Bradley Cooper-directed Bernstein biopic Maestro.
What could possibly quench your thirst? An iced coffee? No, probably not. The caffeine would make you jittery and unfocused, unable to embody a character (Maestro) while also directing yourself to do so. Water? No, come on, what are you, a virgin? Maestro is set in the past, and people did not discover drinking water until 2007.
There’s only one solution to your problem, and that is a cold pink drink for Maestro. Ahhh! Isn’t that wonderful? What is Maestro’s sweet treat? Let’s investigate. He’s sipping out of a clear cup with a green straw. One sees green and thinks: that’s Starbucks. But the cup is logo-less. A mystery. Maestro’s delight could be anything. A hibiscus tea? A dragonberry punch? A raspberry lemonade? A Shirley Temple in a to-go cup? No matter: Maestro has the right idea. There is nothing better than walking around a park holding a mostly full iced pink beverage. It could taste like anything. As long as it’s pink, we know exactly the satisfaction Maestro gets out of it — a cool, refreshing plunge into a simple syrup wonderland.
Is there enough sweet pink iced drink for Maestro’s wife? Woolen and prosthetics-ed up as he?
No, there’s not. Sorry.