Apple released new emojis this week, and I’ve already got a bad case of Texter’s Thumb using them to punctuate my DM slides and my missives to my mom to ask what time I was born at for my birth chart, or whatever it is you sex-crazed knuckleheads claim you use your phones for. Some are self explanatory like this guy
which obviously means “I’ve come down with a temporary case of stress-induced Bell’s Palsy and cannot make it to the unmasked turn-up function.”
But other new emojis are not so literal (in the way of the eggplant emoji). Luckily, my media literacy and powers of perception have never been stronger, and I’m also very young. I will guide you through their best use cases.
Blood is pouring out of a water glass, leaving no residue behind. There couldn’t have been more than a few tablespoons of blood in that cup to begin with, based on the footprint of the blood puddle. It would be hard to cauterize a stab wound quick enough that only that minute amount of blood spilled from the veins.
The only conclusion one can arrive at is that this is the cup that Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox drank each other’s blood out of after they got engaged under a banyan tree.
Employ this emoji to express to a loved one you’re watching Hulu’s The Dropout starring former Gawker Woman of the Week Amanda Seyfried.
Maybe you’ve seen the foundational flirting guide “Looking For a Husband? Try Shrekfishing,” in which the Gawker staff instructs you on how to fool hot people into thinking you have a more triangular face than you really do. It’s easy: Use an Instagram filter called “Shrek is Love.” That Shrek appears in the beautifully filtered photo of you is incidental, so you can either crop him out entirely or keep a whisper of his hand on your shoulder so potential suitors are curious about who that hunk you’re with is.
Because Shrekfishing is now cultural canon due to that post’s viral success, you send this emoji to someone to let them know you’re single and ready to move forward with sending pleading face emojis to their mobile device in a matter of days.
Egg check! This is when you and your crew call out your egg status to each other. “Egg check!” can be a metaphor, but doesn’t have to be — don’t overthink it. It’s a good emoji to send to a group in the morning in lieu of “GM” or “TGIF” or “Let’s get this bread.” Let’s get this egg.
Do you get it?
How petrified are you to truly be known, without the mask of designer clothing or lash-lift mascara or that enormous yellow backpack filled with first aid items you carry around with you everywhere to foster the illusion that everything is under control?
What if a person could see through all that, into your disintegrating soul, between the ventricles of your hardened heart, and still love you? Isn’t that the most frightening thing of all, far more terrifying than the concept of oblivion or Parisian catacombs or Halloween skeletons? To be known?
It would be so affirming if that’s what this emoji signified, but it actually means “take your shirt off.” A lot of these boil down to that, even and especially the egg check.
This is the one that means the thing I was describing above, the terror of being seen for who you really are — Jo Appleseed.
It can also be useful for some light sext-based roleplaying.