Netflix releases a new crop of holiday movies each year so that adults have something to keep them a little company after taking half an Ambien and conjuring a lightly threatening hallucination of Santa as a result. It’s soothing to lose your mind for a little bit. I’ve watched every single one of them, and I’m here to rank the top five on a level of “brain deadedness.”
Since the objective of watching these movies is to perform a temporary lobotomy, in this ranking system, the harder I had to pay attention to the movie, the more brains it got. And in this case, more brains is bad news!
5. The Princess Switch Three: Romancing the Star
Three Vanessa Hudgenses. Really confusing for me to understand a film when there’s this many Vanessa Hudgenses. I am just one person, and there are three Vanessa Hudgenses.
I had to pay really close attention to who was a princess, who was the baker from Chicago, and who was the random-ass cousin, all played by Vanessa Hudgens.
Somehow the Vatican also gets involved, I think, or something? I watched this less than 12 hours ago, and comprehended none of it. That’s how elevated it was conceptually.
Rating: 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠
4. Love Hard
Jimmy O. Yang catfishes the Vampire Diaries girl with photos of the adult man who plays teen Paxton Hall-Yoshida on Never Have I Ever. Lot of familiar Netflix faces in this one, and it made me think about how maybe these streaming services are turning into Hollywood studio systems of old, where there’d be an MGM girl locked into a contract. I hope Jimmy O. Yang does not go the way of Judy Garland, is all I’m saying.
This one, unfortunately, made me think, because the Vampire Diaries girl is also a digital media maven like I am. That is much more stressful to me than the catfishing of it all, or also how old Paxton Hall-Yoshida is. The actor, Darren Barnet, is my age. No matter. At one point, the Vampire Diaries girl wears a shirt that says “Write On.”
Rating: 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠
3. A Castle for Christmas
My best friend and I watched this the other night, and I was like, “Holy fuck this woman is beautiful,” and she was like, “That’s Brooke Shields….” and I was like, “I know, but still.” What, I can’t comment on a beautiful woman if someone else has already commented on her beauty? Last time I checked, the lecherous ogling of a woman aging gracefully before our eyes was still mostly legal.
Brooke Shields plays an American chick lit author who gets canceled and kicks it to Scotland. I thought Shields was maybe gonna get canceled for saying “All Lives Matter” or something, but it turns out that she just killed off a beloved character in her series. She makes an appearance on the actual Drew Barrymore Show and Drew asks some tough questions, which gets her further canceled. Anyway, then she buys a castle from a guy we thought was Nick Nolte for a minute but turned out to be Cary Elwes (Ed. note: Those two actors do not look alike). The Scotland in which she lives in this film is post-racial and post-sexuality.
Once again, my jealousy gets in the way here, as my highest ambition as a writer is to have a rage incident on Drew.
Rating: 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠 🧠
2. Father Christmas Is Back
Didn’t even know it was a sequel. Did not matter. Big house. Tree. Kelsey Grammer. Check Camille Grammer Instagram. Remember when Camille said “Pernicious.” HahHAhahaa, what does that word mean?
Rating: 🧠 🧠 🧠
1. Single All The Way
The guy from the thing goes home to New Hampshire with hot roommate. Hot roommate is Task Rabbit. Task Rabbit, Task Rabbit, Task Rabbit, over and over again. They say no no no we will never fall in love. Kathy Najimy as mommy and Jennifer Coolidge as auntie. Plant shop kissing. Task Rabbit. Nice nice movie. Comfy.