Earlier this year, Bryan Goldberg, the CEO of BDG and my boss two times removed, bought one of Napoleon’s old hats at auction for €1,222,500 (about $1.43 million). That means one thing and one thing only, and it’s not that he’s a dork. It’s that he has some serious cash to burn, and I think that I should be on the receiving end of some of it in the form of a gift that is not my twice monthly paycheck. Bryan, if you’re reading this, these are just jumping-off points, feel free to listen to your heart as long as it’s telling you to buy me something worth at least $10,000.
For When It’s a Little Dim in My Apartment
Anyone who knows me knows I hate overhead lighting, it gives me a headache. But I think I wouldn’t mind it as much if it were emanating from this ornate and colorful chandelier. Each intricate, hand-blown flower is as unique as the writers at Gawker, so I will never forget who got me what is soon to be my favorite light source.
For When I Want to Do Some Light Reading
A steal! This collection of Eliot’s work dates back to 1908, and includes an autographed signed letter. The 25 volumes are “bound in full morocco with gilt titles and tooling to the spine, elaborate tooling to the front and rear panels, raised gilt bands, gilt turn-ins and inner dentelles, top edge gilt, marbled endpapers, elaborately illustrated with tissue-guarded engravings including frontispieces in color.” The perfect gift for the woman who works for you who wonders if she might be more successful if she were a man.
For When I’m in the Mood to Spread Out
Price: $3.15 million
Think of it as a business expense. This gorgeous former Polish Catholic Church that overlooks the Hudson River could be written off as a new satellite office for Gawker. My colleagues would be welcome to come and work remotely whenever they wanted to. Sadly, there is only one bedroom, so they would have to take Amtrak home at night, but I think the commute would be worth it.
For When I Want Have to Dash Over to the BDG Office
Price: $50 million
It’s a little old-school for my tastes, but if Bryan wants to buy me this mansion built in 1910 I wouldn’t say no. It would be the perfect place for me to lay my head at night so I could rise bright and early, greet the day, and then hustle out the door to make it to work on time. The mansion has been on the market for almost two years, so I’m sure you could haggle a bit. As a trade off, I would be more than happy to host the BDG holiday party every year. Although the vibe of this house suggests that it’s likely someone would get murdered with a candlestick in the study, so there is some risk.
For When I Want to Look Like a Muppet
What gal doesn’t want to look a little silly from time to time? This is the perfect coat for looking like something from the mind of Jim Henson or Dr. Seuss. Sometimes it gets a little chilly in my apartment, and I can’t imagine anything would be better at keeping me nice and toasty while pumping out my little blogs each day.
For When I Get Serious About Lounging
Nothing says comfort like a chair that’s older than my mother. Think of how much better of an employee I would be if I had access to this chair (and accompanying ottoman) to write in all day. I think the brain juices would flow a lot better if I weren’t spending most days blogging from either my bed or the hard, uncomfortable chair that sits at my desk. I’m feeling generous, so I will contribute that one cent to the total price.
For When You Want to Meddle in My Personal Life
OMG, Bryan you shouldn’t have. I don’t usually like a pear-shaped diamond and I don’t want to get engaged anytime soon, but this is really gorgeous and I think it would make everyone I’ve ever met start talking about me, which is kind of the goal of an engagement ring. You can have it sent directly to my boyfriend and he can pretend it’s a family heirloom. If gifted this ring I would write no fewer than seven blogs about it, so really you’re investing in content.
For When I’m Re-reading The Secret History
Estimated Price: $331,787 to $464,502
This would be a thoughtful homage to my favorite book, because they love old shit like this. I think Apollo looks quite handsome in this sculpture, and he would look great sitting on my mantle next to my other vintage collectibles (a VHS copy of Ghost and an old David Bowie Rolling Stone issue). Apollo is the god of poetry, among other things, and having his presence in my life would do nothing but inspire perfect pieces of writing that would undoubtedly go mega viral.
For When I’m Being Serious
My Continued Employment
Price: My annual salary
We’ve been having some fun, but all I really want is my continued, gainful employment. I love working here and would hate to be put out to pasture. I don’t really have that many marketable skills other than this. I’m bad at math, I can’t code, and if you put a gun to my head and asked me what an engineer does I’d beg you to shoot me. I also love having health insurance because I have this stubborn patch of acne and I want a tretinoin prescription. So, you keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Sound like a deal?
For When You Don’t Want to Think About It
Did someone say shopping spree??