There is nothing quite like selecting a cracker for a loved one. It can be a daunting task because one’s cracker preferences are so personal. You want your internet boyfriend, for example, to love that unadulterated crunch, but what it does for him may not be an appropriate gift for your Zoom therapist. Luckily, I have people who know too much about me littered all over this country and the worldwide web, and “crispy” is my all-time favorite mouthfeel.
Best cracker for kids (2 to 5) on your list
Hot Kid Baby Mum-Mum Rice Rusks
Packed with veggies and sweetened only with fruit juice, Hot Kid Baby Mum-Mum Rice Rusks are great for babies hoping to avoid the dreaded holiday weight gain.
Best cracker for kids (6 to 13) on your list
Back to Nature Crispy Cheddar Crackers
I know you’ve been poring through the Rookie archives, googling “best cracker for pre-teens on my list,” trying to usher them through puberty with grace and just a little bit of wheat. Back to Nature Crispy Cheddar Crackers are just a bit more grown-up than Cheez-Its, and the kid in your life will thank you for respecting their maturity and burgeoning sexuality.
For the cracker-eater who has just about everything on your list
Hayden Flour Mills Emmer Farro Crackers
These crackers are almost $9, only seem to exist in “markets,” and are truly complex, as far as crackers go. The farro of it all makes them nutty, and I, who some in the past have accused of being a cracker-eater who has just about everything, found myself eating these with olive oil over the weekend. A great cracker for putting on airs.
For the sexual deviant on your list
Sailor Boy Pilot Bread Crackers
Everyone knows that cereal impresario/religious loser W.K. Kellogg invented corn flakes to get people to calm down and stop masturbating. Crackers can have the same libido-dampening effects, as long as they’re plain enough. Sailor Boy Pilot Bread Crackers are the closest thing to Civil War-era hardtack that I’ve ever found, and they certainly work to dull my sickening impulses.
For the clinically insane on your list
Chicken in a Biskit has got to be one of the craziest non-holistic crackers out there. It tastes like a Ritz cracker dusted in...I don’t know...chicken bouillon? Powdered chicken skin? It’s gonna make your sweat taste insane.
For the Catholic on the go who is awed by god’s grace and observes life’s little miracles on your list
Celebration Cup Individual Communion Wafer and Juice Sets
The Catholic Church might be the rock-star diva of the Christmas season, but they are, as an institution, total innovators on the cutting edge of wafer and juice technology. These plastic wafer/juice pods resemble K Cups, and that certain Mary who is always so difficult to buy crackers for will find these quite divine.
For the enemy on your list
Mary’s Gone Crackers Original Crackers
Sometimes we have to extend grace to those who have hurt us in the form of crackers, but that doesn’t mean we have to be the bigger man. Mary’s Gone Crackers Original Crackers taste horrible — worse than hardtack but grainier — and I can feel my teeth grinding down into dust when I eat them.
For the honored role model bestie on your list
Mary’s Gone Crackers Super Seed Everything Crackers
Unlike their older sister Mary’s Gone Crackers Original Crackers, Mary’s Gone Crackers Super Seed Everything Crackers are my favorite casual crackers, especially when sharing a box with someone I love, cherish, and look up to. With Mary’s remarkable work on this one, we realize humans actually do have the capacity to improve on second drafts. I learned that blogging, but not in grad school.
For the goth on your list
San-J Tamari Sesame Black Rice Crackers
I always feel metal as hell eating these pitch-black crackers, and your loved one will too.
For the White Elephant giftee’s name on your list
Pilot biscuit from Titanic lifeboat April 1912
A passenger on the Carpathia, the ship that attempted to rescue the victims of the Titanic, sold one lifeboat biscuit for $23,000. If everyone in the group chat donates $3,000 each, this could be a really fun gag gift.