As former Vogue editor-at-large André Leon Talley once said to Vera Wang, “It’s been bleak street over here in America… It’s a famine of beauty, honey! My eyes are starving for beauty!” And that was before Allbirds, direct-to-consumer smoothie cups, and Ted Lasso.
Now this post is not about fashion, and I am currently wearing a shit-colored zip-up fleece from Uniqlo as I type it (it’s not even from the +J collection). But I thought of Talley recently as I was looking through yet another appalling holiday gift guide in one of our country’s once-great publications, chock-full of whiskey stones, overpriced electronics, and pillows embroidered with internet jokes from 2014.
Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Without further ado, here is my own official gift guide for people with terrible taste.
For Kyrsten Sinema
I think this lewk is very much in line with Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema’s “court jester chic” aesthetic. She can dress it up when taking private meetings with pharmaceutical execs or dress it down for when she’s just having fun pursuing her side hustle of being a publicly elected official.
For Marvel fans
This is a great solution for when Marvel fans get overly excited about casting news for Ultimate Ultron 7: The Ultimates or for when their feelings are hurt by Martin Scorcese. Just stick this baby in your mouth and wait for the scary feelings to pass.
For Atlantic opinion writers
You can blow on this when you see someone not following Covid guidelines or when you see someone following Covid guidelines too much or when you disagree with someone about the “future of work” or when you enter a college campus or when you hear a word you don’t recognize. We’ll send help immediately.
For straight people who live in Seattle
You guys will love these.
For JK Rowling
This is the one place Joanne will be safe from angry online mobs. It’s also called a “float orb,” which sounds like something Ron Weasley would accidentally stick up his ginger ass in one of her little books.
For gay men who get engaged at Disneyland
You can do it.
For advertising execs who make those pastel sans-serif ads
Advertising used to mean something in this country. Chain-smoke a couple of these and try to get into the Mad Men mindset or choose a different career and leave us alone!
For musical theater fans
Explore your worst tendencies in the safety of your living room where no one can get hurt.
For adult men who say “fits”