I love my rockin’ dad! Like all American fathers, he looks like every man in the state of Florida from the back, is good at math, salts his pizza, does pilates, had a mustache from 1989 to 2019, and once found an empty bottle of Silver Oak wine from the 1970s that I didn’t understand was expensive in my closet that I stole from the liquor cabinet ten years after I did it (he was clearing out the home he raised his children in). He was a little bit mad, but how much could I really apologize for something I did before my brain was fully developed? It seemed like both of us were being just a little performative in our anger over the situation. And that’s the Dad experience for you!
Almost every person on Earth should get to experience having a Dad and pamper him as such. But how? Look no further: here’s the Gawker gift guide for Father’s Day 2022, where you’ll fit bits, baubles, and babies.
LL Bean Men's PrimaLoft® Lined Chinos, $84.99
Even though LL Bean heiress Linda Bean is a powerful Republican operative and an oppressive lobster emperor, no Dad can deny her wares are pretty nice. I’ve always wanted a pair of pants like these, lined for warmth and resistant to stains, and Dad might too. Whether Dad’s out crabbing or pulling these quilted bad boys on over his pilates leggings, he’s sure to blend in with the PrimaLoft® lined chinos.
Yeti Roadie® 24 Hard Cooler, $250
I used to babysit for a neighbor family whose Dad used to drive me the six blocks home with a rocks glass in his hand, likely full of gin. It wasn’t until college I realized that this was pretty messed up — this Dad needed a cooler to keep in his car so those cubes didn’t melt! Yeti is the best, and this one is built “slim enough to squeeze behind the driver’s or passenger’s seat of a car.” Tumble onward, Mr. Neighbor Dad!
Portillo’s Italian Beef Kit (with Two Bonus Lou Malnati’s Pizzas), $131.99
The only thing better than getting frozen beef in the mail is also getting two quarts of frozen gravy in the mail. In my experience, wet beef and bread is a Dad’s favorite food, especially when he’s retired down South and can only access freaky limited-edition sandwiches like Publix’s Jacksonville Jaguars chicken fingers sub. So send dad some loose beef — it’ll remind him of you.
Eurora 18 Inch Reborn Baby Doll for Ages 3+, $79.88
Dad is bound to miss you when you’re off in New York City or Branson, Missouri chasing your Hollywood dreams. Why not let him know you’ll always be his little one with this hyper-realistic silicone doll. She’s so ugly and scary, she looks just like you immediately upon exiting the birth canal. Dad misses those days… Plus, one of the brand’s bulleted selling points: “My daughter likes her.” It’s always nice to have shared interests.
1776 In Dad We Trust American Flag Apple Watch Band, $23.79
Dads love Apple Watches, especially when they’re reminding them to meditate. Dads also love the Constitution. Even the non-Republican ones love to say things like “It’s got its flaws, but it’s a near-perfect document.” Alright, Dad, if you want a perfect document try reading All My Puny Sorrows by Miriam Toews, but yours works, too, I guess. This Apple Watch band brings together all the things that make Dads tick.
Mountain Sweet Honey Italian Queen Bee, $40
This Italian Queen Bee is randomly proudly “grown in Georgia,” which is sort of a letdown. I don’t know a ton about bees, but I do know a bit ’bout being Italian In Name Only, and this seems like a really good price for a bee. Plus it comes with “three to five attendant bees” in a “wood queen cage,” and every Dad could use an attendant or two in the toolshed or when attempting to get the printer working.
Swag Cobra Spilled Drink Gag Gift, $22.99
A Dad’s favorite hobby is to razz his kids for their complicated Starbucks orders. In the 2010s, it was along the lines of calling a drink a “venti mochachocowhatsitccino.” In the last few years, popular tastes have shifted so that Dads are sending up the idea of alternative nut milk drinks with jokes such as an “grande iced walnut milk with poppyseed foam.” He will get minutes of enjoyment every other month by owning this spilled Starbucks gag and pretending to fumble his joe on his kids’ iPad or yoga mat.
G.I. Jive: American Hits of WW2 Audio CD, $16
Your favorite guy, whether a former boogie-woogie bugle and/or altar boy, will be transported back to evenings with his own father, a man distant and disturbed by what he saw over there, when he hears the horrifying crooning starting notes of World War II’s most poignant dance hall dirges such as “A Zoot Suit (For My Sunday Girl)” (track 13), “Furlough Fling” (track 15), and “Saturday Night (Is the Loneliest Night of the Week)” (track 20)
20 Percent Off First Month of BetterHelp Voucher, Free
There’s a low lift with a big impact with this one. If Dads went to therapy, maybe we wouldn’t even need Father’s Day gift guides or physical compact disks with songs on them that might cajole a Dad to remember his own better. Maybe we’d all just be eating multigenerational loose beef and Starbucks together, speaking not of material things, but of the material of reality. I don’t really know what that means, but it sounded powerful when I read it back to myself, and Dad would be proud.
God’s True Cashmere Blue Plaid Lapis Cashmere Shirt, $2,250
You know who is a rocking badass and was, once, at one point, a father of six before retiring from that part of his life? Brad Pitt. His new line of flannels, God’s True Cashmere, is the result of a psychic vision and beyond-the-grave influence of Bruce Paltrow, his ex-girlfriend’s late father. I know I said a lot of stuff earlier about not needing material things, but you owe this to Dad. Remember how much your braces cost?