Wake up, zombie Americans! It's time to stop wasting our time jabbering about inconsequential matters like sports or cable TV shows or a "government shutdown." Our fellow citizens are, right this moment, facing an actual crisis: waiting in their cars far too long for a Sausage-n-Cheez Biscuit Combo.

Though most of us cannot find Syria on a map or accurately describe "how a bill becomes a law," we can damn sure order a #7 with Dr. Pepper without ever leaving the air conditioned comfort of our Jeep Wrangler, because we are, god damn it, Americans of the USA. And we don't expect to be forced to wait forever in the Wendy's drive thru lane like a bunch of refugees in... whatever other country out there is having wars, right now. I propose to you that this is, without exaggeration, the single most irksome problem on the minds of most Americans today. USA Today reports:

The [new study from QSR Magazine], to be released today, also says that industry giant McDonald's posted its slowest-ever drive-thru time in the 15-year history of the drive-thru study — requiring an average 189.5 seconds for the typical drive-thru customer to go from order to pickup. That's roughly nine seconds longer than the industry average.

And Chik-fil-A customers are being forced to wait more than 200 seconds—that's more than three entire minutes—to receive their Big Bag O' Processed Chik'n Products. Americans were willing to overlook the whole "hating gay people" thing, but this is really going to upset them.

If we wanted to wait three freaking minutes for our food we would move to... one of those poor countries, across the big water thing.

[Photo: Bradley Gordon/ Flickr]