Lance Armstrong is perhaps America's biggest dick. He is a complete and total fraud, a misogynist, and a gross human being. Banish him from this green earth.

Before the turn of the new year Lance Armstrong, who cheated his way to the top of the cycling game (why), hit two cars in Aspen after "a night of partying." (Why a 43-year-old man with multiple children is out "partying" in Aspen and then driving home is up for explanation.) Lance, wanting to "avoid headlines," let his girlfriend and the mother of a few of his children, Anna Hansen, take the fall for his fender benders:

A man who had been renting one of the damaged cars told a police detective that Hansen came running up to his house in high heels, apologizing and promising to pay for the repairs.

"She said, `I'm Anna, we're the Armstrongs, my husband's Lance, he was just driving maybe too fast around the corner or something," the man told police, according to the reports.

Classy. Wait, did they marry in secret? Or was she trying to cover Armstrong's sorry ass further by giving their relationship a nicer sheen of respectability? Yeah, total Armstrong move.

Hansen later told the cops:

"We've had our family name smeared over every paper in the world in the last couple of years and honestly, I've got teenagers, I just wanted to protect my family," Hansen told police. "I thought, gosh, Anna Hansen hit some cars, it's not going to show up in the papers, but Lance Armstrong hit some cars, it's going to be a national story."

Anna, there is a solution to your woes: Leave the fucker. Get a quickie marriage, no pre-nup, and then divorce the shit out of him. Or who even cares! Money is not everything. What are you doing with this asshole? He is horrible. He is the worst person alive. He is a known serial cheater who does not feel remorse. He embroiled innocents in his dirty deeds. He is a womanizer ("Armstrong's teammates nicknamed him 'FedEx' because his woman 'absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.'") He is delusional. His Austin house drank the town dry. He has inspired too many men who should never wear spandex onesies to wear spandex onesies and ride their dumb little bikes on the side of the highway.

Lance Armstrong is a huge dick. He should start a new charity and call it Dickstrong and give the proceeds to women's shelters.