There’s nothing like a man who can dance. A man who can move his body in time. A man who can tap his toes on the sidewalk and belt out a ballad! I love men like this. Consequently I have dated many gay men.

I first realized I was straight after seeing Singin’ in the Rain when I was a teenager (I developed late). I had never seen a man as handsome as Gene Kelly. I felt very confused. I wanted to watch his arousing dance over and over again. I wanted to say to him: “Dance for me, Gene!” I wanted him to dance with me like he dances with this newspaper (Gene is Gene, and I am the newspaper):

Pure sex.

Being a straight woman has been my lifetime burden, because straight men are horrible. But I find solace in men who can dance, and the objectification of them. Gene, a technical dance master who blended forms and delighted the prudish audiences of the 1800s, carried grace and charm in his broad shoulders, straight teeth, dark hair, and tight butt. While he did not take off his clothes, he did wear very nice clothes, like baby blue trousers.

Channing Tatum, however, takes off his clothes in the Magic Mike films and others, and that’s why modernity is great. In the history of men who can dance, from Fred Astaire to Mikhail Baryshnikov to Justin Timberlake, no one is as special as Channing Matthew Tatum, a little doe-eyed blockheaded beef man who can spin his body like cotton candy and hump the floor until it consents to sexual intercourse with him.

Channing Tatum is our Gene Kelly—and more. Channing similarly carries grace and charm in his broad shoulders, straight teeth, dark hair, and tight butt. He also has hard abs and seems like a genuinely nice human, as well as in tune with a woman’s pleasure centers. Gene Kelly, on the other hand, was supposedly an asshole. In conclusion, Channing Tatum is not only the better dancer but the better person. Truly the ideal man.

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