Conventional wisdom holds if you want to be skinny, eat a bunch of celery. Here’s why: It’s not because chewing it requires more calories than a single stalk contains—a fact I learned in middle school but have not, in fact, ever verified.

It’s because shitting your brains out with an E. coli infection is a super easy way to drop weight real quick—plus you get time off from work.

Strangely, Starbucks doesn’t agree, at all, and they’ve pulled a festive-sounding Holiday Turkey Panini after a brand of celery they used in the sandwich apparently sickened at least 19 people in seven different states. (It’s not clear anyone got sick from Starbucks—according to BuzzFeed the Taylor Farms celery was “also used in products sold in 7-Eleven, Target, Walmart, Sam’s Club, Safeway, Albertsons, King Soopers, Pantry, Raley’s, and Savemart.”)

Either way, the newly svelte victims are all expected to make a full recovery—except for the ones with kidney failure—just in time for those New Years photos (that they’ll be looking at on their phone, from home, because they’re too weak to make it out this year.) What a waste but man, what a waist.

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