In a time when most of humanity’s collected knowledge is accessible via a two-second search on our cell phone, the most tantalizing questions are those left unanswered. Where is flight MH370? Who killed JonBenét Ramsey? Who was DB Cooper? And, most pressingly, exactly how many protein shakes does We’re the Millers actor Will Poulter drink per day?
The actor, whose name neither you nor I recognize, caught my eye with an alluring Just Jared headline: “Will Poulter Dishes On His Recent Body Transformation & How Many Protein Shakes He Drinks.” Suddenly I’m interested. Suddenly I’m intrigued. Suddenly I must know how many protein shakes Will Poulter drinks — and if that information is accompanied by a little dish on his recent body transformation? All the better.
According to the article, the 28-year-old actor, who appears in the new Hulu series Dopesick, went shirtless in a recent Dopesick episode. This move put “his muscles on display,” according to Jared. And according to a recent interview with GQ Hype (whatever that is), it caught the eye of Twitter. GQ Hype writer Ben Allen tells Poulter he noticed some tweets about his physique:
“I tell Poulter that an hour before our interview I’d seen a tweet that read ‘somewhere in the world Will Poulter is on his fifth protein shake of the day.’ Was that on the money?”
So, was it? Does Will Poulter drink five protein shakes a day, or how many? Six? Four? Three? Seven? Oh my god, does he drink nine protein shakes a day? Or is the surprise answer that he only drinks one? God, whatever it is, I am going to be so thrilled to know. I absolutely can’t wait to find out. Lets go back to GQ Hype and see:
“‘It’s not five,’ he says with a laugh, but declines to be pinned down on a number.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
Will Poulter I’m only going to ask nicely once. You must release the exact number of protein shakes you drink per day. Please also include any other relevant information: flavor, times of day you have the shakes, whether you enjoy them or drink them as if they are medicine. You have until 4 p.m. EST on Monday, November 15 to get me this information.
Don’t disappoint me, Will.