This year’s Oscars had a lot of the devils’ work in them. Um, that slap much? I suppose you were so focused on the spectacle of the evening that you forgot what it is we came here to do: worship.
I kept my eye on the prize and noticed that this year’s Oscars fashion paid homage to a certain “Best Director” — God Himself. Read on about the top five holiest fashion trends and pray to Jesus that we came out of this awards season alive.
1. Dressing in the Direct Image of the Lord
Some may call it sacrilege to play dress up as God for a formal event. Whether they’re dressing as a crucifix like Maggie Gyllenhaal or in all white in approximation to the lord’s garb, Hollywood celebs used the opportunity to become the living embodiment of Christliness. Are you there, God? It’s me, the angel Dame Judy Dench — and I’ve brought fellow angel Wanda Sykes. And someone named Tati Gabrielle is here, too.
2. Edenic Scenes
Some may call La La Land “heaven,” but we all know real Shangri-La is time spent with family and community. Peacocks and flowers and mothers reading to children in the park — now that’s Eden on Earth, brought to us by the real life Adam and Eves named Di Mondo, Eva Von Bahr, Kelly Osasere, and Stassiebaby.
3. Man Is Born Naked (Ecclesiastes 5:15-20)
Not wearing a shirt is next to godliness. But oh no... am I getting hot around the collar? Am I lusting after the flesh of Brad Mondo (third photo down)? Help me, Jesus!
4. Dressing in the Direct Image of Satan
Hollywood’s always going to have raconteurs, who think playing around with disturbing imagery is oh-so-outre. Well, it isn’t. I know I had a momentary flash of desire, but that’s all gone. Evil has entered the building, and thy names are Billy Porter, Tinx, Raven-Symone, and Miranda Maday.
5. The Mitts of Lucifer
Red dresses with exaggerated sweetheart necklines took center stage, as if Beelzebub himself has his hot little hands around these starlets’ ample bosoms, as seen on Ariana DeBose, Tracee Ellis Ross, and Karreuche Tran. Satan, I give myself to thee.