In coordinated Instagram posts published on Tuesday night, tortured Vanderpump Rules couple Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz announced they were ending their marriage. The announcement followed weeks of fan speculation that something was amiss after Maloney was seen in multiple photos without her wedding ring.
“Well this sucks,” Schwartz’s very long announcement began. “How am I supposed to capture 12 years of love in a fuckin canned Instagram caption. What picture am I supposed to use? Is there a go-to break up font?” The couple did, in fact, use the same font for their separation announcements (I believe Courier New), while alternating black and white color schemes. “Katie & I are separating. I’m not quite ready to use the ‘D’ word bc it’s too painful. Yes my heart aches but I’ll be ok. Not looking to evoke any sympathy here. I’m not the victim. Not gonna write too sad a song.”
While Schwartz’s briefing went on for several pages and included words like “whilst,” Maloney’s was more to the point. “After 12 years on an adventure through life together Tom and I are ending our marriage,” she wrote. “This ending is not met with resentment or animosity, no sides to choose. We have deep admiration for one another that will always remain and we cherish our friendship. Although we may be on different paths we will continue to love and support one another’s happiness.”
It isn’t clear what prompted the breakup, but Schwartz’s insistence that he is “not the victim,” as well as the entirety of his relationship with Katie as it was captured on Vanderpump Rules, could lead one to believe he did something bad. Hmm. Did he cheat on her again? Did he pour another drink on her head? Did he yell at her in front of their friends? Did he say, "this is why I don't fuck her!" again? Did he lose their marriage certificate for a third time? Did he sell her body to get a James Turrel (inspired) LED light installation for Schwartz & Sandy’s? Oh, the mind reels with possibilities.
For now, we can only say: :(. And: thank god.