You know as well as I do what the Queen’s favorite cocktail is. We’ve researched it, we’ve learned how to make it, we put a fresh glass of it on our Queen altar every day right next to a plastic crown, a bottle of Salad Queen, and an old stick. We remain steadfast in our knowledge of what the Queen’s favorite cocktail is, even though the media has lied to us about it before and I do not doubt they will lie to us about it again. Yes, the Queen’s favorite cocktail is — say it with me now:
GIN 👏 AND 👏 DUBONNET! 👏
(Dubonnet is a fortified red wine aperitif.) Of course, we’ve known for years that a “gin and Dubonnet” is the Queen’s preferred cocktail, and there are many sources available to back us up. But as Real Housewives of Orange County star Vicki Gunvalson said multiple times during the season where she and her then-boyfriend Brooks attempted to perpetrate a cancer scam on the rest of the cast: Satan loves confusion. And today Satan has taken the form of Tom Hanks.
"I sat right next to the Queen," Tom Hanks said on Monday while appearing on BBC talk show The One Show. The actor dined next to the royal stick enthusiast during a dinner in May 2011. "The chit-chat with the Queen is something you gotta get ready for,” he said. “I knew I was going to be sitting next to her so I wanted to be able to talk about things that were of import but not presumptuous. So a few things about how often she truly has time off and what have you.”
Uh-huh, uh-huh, whatever, Tom Hanks — get to the part about the cocktail. "Then out of the corner of my eye,” he said, “I saw this white-gloved hand just put between me and her royal majesty this glass of water. But it wasn't in a water glass. It was a clear liquid and so I dared to ask the Queen, 'What is Her Majesty's cocktail of choice?' and she said, 'Ooh, martini.'"
Hanks said the Queen nursed her single martini throughout the night. "And I think well, she's had a wonderful reign,” he said, “so maybe if I want to polish up my game a little bit I will start drinking a martini every now and again."
Okay first of all why isn’t Tom Hanks drinking a martini every now and again already? Surely he can find the time for an occasional happy hour in the midst of promoting Disney+’s Pinocchio, and surely Rita Wilson would gladly join in. And second of all, even if the Queen was drinking a sneaky martini that one time, we all know that does not suddenly make it her cocktail of choice. So, if Tom Hanks wants to “polish up” his “game” a little bit — what should he drink? Say it with me again:
GIN 👏 AND 👏 DUBONNET! 👏
STOP spreading disinformation, Tom Hanks. Especially this close to the jubbly.