Demon Children of TikTok Terrorize Parents With Fake Celebrity Deaths
Fake RIP to Cher, Howard Stern, and Jon Bon Jovi
The child menaces of TikTok have grown stronger in their ability to wreak havoc on the lives of the unsuspecting older generations with whom they have contact. It brings me deep sorrow to say this. Please, those of millennial age and above — proceeded with caution.
Over the past week a new “trend” has arisen on the app; one wherein children who are presumably home for the holidays — under the parent-provided roofs have have kept them safe; fed by the parent-provided cookies and snackies that gave kept them with full bellies — scare their parents with lies about the so-called deaths of their favorite celebrities.
“NO!!!!!!!!!!” parents — who have done nothing but provide love and support throughout the lives of their evil TikTok children — exclaim, upon incorrectly learning that Dateline correspondent Keith Morrison has died.
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” screamed this Christmas sweater-clad mom for about 30 minutes after her darling child told her the still-living Ozzy Osbourne had passed:
“Bullshit! Bullshit!” said this mom, who was just trying to have a relaxing day, after “learning” Rod Stewart — whom she was planning on seeing in concert next year — had met his maker:
More like crash into mean! This mother was just trying to enjoy cheese and crackers when her son decided to lie to her about Dave Matthews dying at age 55:
“Bianca! Ah’ you seerias??” asked this aghast Christmas pajama mom after the demon Bianca told her Barry Manilow was no longer with us:
The message is clear, friends: the age war has begun. Trust no one who is younger than you. Pity everyone who is older. And please — may the Lord protect Kelly Bishop, who is absolutely the celebrity my goblin children would be making a fool of me with to participate in this trend, if I had children.