I love weddings. I love to attend them, I love to participate in them, and if those two options are unavailable, I love to read about them online. I love to learn about weddings even when they are really embarrassing and bad, like the ones we are about to discuss.
Over the last decade, celebrities have made every attempt to bolster their own personal profiles via lavish and well-publicized weddings. Some have succeeded — just look at Meghan Markle. But others have failed, desperately. Let’s look back on the worst celebrity weddings of the last ten years.
2012: Alec and Hilaria Baldwin
Ten years ago, Jessica Biel married Justin Timberlake while wearing a baby-pink gown, Blake Lively married Ryan Reynolds on a plantation in South Carolina, and Amber Tamblyn married David Cross in an outdoor ceremony that involved a canoe. For various obvious reasons, all of those were bad, but the worst celebrity wedding of the year was Alec and Hilaria Baldwin’s. The ceremony, held at St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral in New York, was ground zero for Hilaria’s transition into a fake Spanish person. The groom, then 54, and bride, then 28, incorporated several Spanish elements into the ceremony, including readings in Spanish and rings engraved with the phrase, “somos un buen equipo,” meaning “we make a good team.” Hilaria (née Hillary) wore a veil inspired by a Spanish mantilla and waved around a flamenco fan.
Also Woody Allen was there.
2013: Aaron Paul and Lauren Parsekian
Oh man. This was the most 2013 event of all time. I wish these people the best, but wow. Aaron Paul married his “pretty bird,” a girl named Lauren, on May 26, 2013, at the Calamigos Ranch in Malibu. The theme was “1920s Parisian carnival,” which was supposedly an ode to the fact that the couple met at Coachella and got engaged in Paris. David Blaine performed magic tricks under a red and white tent, and the couple also hired mimes, stilt walkers, and burlesque performers to mingle with the guests. The band Foster the People (memba them?) performed “La Vie En Rose” for the couple’s first dance, and John Mayer performed “Daughters” (help) while Lauren danced with her dad. And then, according to Lauren, all 250 guests serenaded her with the song “Beauty” by The Shivers.
“Aaron had coordinated with all the guests by having them join in and sing to me at the end of the song,” Lauren told People. “He had emailed everyone before the wedding so people could learn it. It was probably the most emotional, overwhelmingly beautiful moment of my life.”
2014: Scheana Marie and Mike “Shay” Shay
Quite a few big-time celebrities tied the knot this year: Brangelina, Kimye, the Clooneys. But no one made a bigger deal of their wedding in 2014 than Vanderpump Rules star Scheana Marie. The former SUR server married her BF Mike “Shay” Shay in a crop-top wedding dress at Hummingbird Nest Ranch in California (coincidentally, this was where Kaley Cuoco married her first husband). As Pump Rules fans know, the theme was “pink,” there were cake pops instead of cake, Kristen got into a fight with James in the parking lot, Scheana cried because nobody wanted to do the Dollar Dance, Tom Schwartz gave Katie a ring on a string, and Scheana made all her friends clean up the venue the morning after in the hot desert sun.
Two years later, Scheana asked Shay for a divorce in their horrible apartment surrounded by blown up photos from their wedding. Worth it? For Scheana, probably yes.
2015: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux
THIS WEDDING WAS FAAAAAAKE. And it involved a Muppets-themed cake.
2016: Dianna Agron and Winston Marshall
Surprisingly, the beautiful Glee star Dianna Agron and the former Mumford & Sons banjo player Winston Marshall did not sell photos of their three-day wedding celebration in Morocco to Vogue. But plenty of rich friends who attended posted photos on Instagram, revealing several upsetting details about the event. Agron and Marshall arrived at the ceremony on camels, both wore turbans at various points during the weekend, and the bride wore a $20,000 Valentino gown.
Hopefully, God has forgiven Agron for this embarrassment since she filed for divorce in 2020. In 2021, Marshall quit his band so he could “speak freely about politics.” He has since written an essay for Bari Weiss’s Substack and told the Times of London that he has returned to Christ.
2017: Amanda Seyfried and Thomas Sadoski
2018: Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski
This was a banner year for weddings that the participants lived to regret. Kaley Cuoco got married to her random horse guy (whom she divorced three years later). Brody Jenner got fake-married to his girlfriend in Thailand (with whom he broke up one year later). Prince Harry got married to Meghan Markle (JK; they’re doing great). But one marriage that has so far stood the test of time is that of Morning Joe co-hosts Joe Scarborough and Mike Brzezinski. They also had the most annoying wedding of the year. Over Thanksgiving weekend, the couple “secretly” got married at the National Archives in D.C., right in front of the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Bill of Rights. Scarborough described his white tux shirt as “Robert Mueller-approved.”
Both Donald Trump and Jared Kushner reportedly offered to officiate, but the pair ultimately asked the late Rep. Elijah Cummings. When Vanity Fair asked if the couple chose the congressman in order to telegraph Scarborough’s own presidential aspirations, they denied it. “We didn’t think of that at all,” Brzezinski said. “But I’m sure people will say that.” Okay.
2019: Zoë Kravitz and Karl Glusman
This marriage lasted just 18 months, and I think we all know why: Zoë Kravitz’s dress. Nothing has ever been more annoying. My sincere hope is that she picks a different stylist when she eventually marries Channing Tatum in Tulum or whatever.
2020: Sean Penn and Leila George
The pandemic brought over-the-top celebrity weddings to a grinding halt (except Cynthia’s ill-advised 200-person bash on Real Housewives of Atlanta). The small celebrations we did hear about in 2020 were mostly nice, but one depressed me to no end. The union of Sean Penn, then 60, and Vincent D’Onofrio’s daughter Leila George, then 28, took place over Zoom, on a Thursday in August, somewhere in Penn’s L.A. mansion.
“We did a COVID wedding,” Penn said on Late Night With Seth Meyers the week after the big day. “By that I mean it was a county commissioner on Zoom and we were at the house.”
I can imagine nothing sadder than marrying Sean Penn at his house over Zoom. Luckily, Penn and George filed for divorce a little over a year later.
2021: Ryan Cabrera and Alexa Bliss
Ryan Cabrera, a singer-songwriter best known for his spiky hair and ex-girlfriends Audrina Patridge, Ashlee Simpson, and Avril Lavigne, married WWE star Alexa Bliss in a “shitshow” themed ceremony in Palm Desert. Cabrera, then 39, and his bride, then 30, gave all the details of their special day to People, and each revelation was more concerning than the last. Cabrera admitted off the top that he did not plan to have sex with Bliss on the wedding night because he would be busy getting drunk. The couple decorated their outdoor venue with a neon sign that read “The Cabrera’s Sh*tshow,” misplaced apostrophe and all. And they had about 14 different branded alcohol bars but no sit-down dinner for 360 guests. Oh, and the three lesser members of *NSYNC were there. No C-lister has ever attempted something like this before or since.
2022: Ben Affleck and Mrs. Jennifer Lynn Affleck
The year is not yet over, but I feel confident declaring Ben and J.Lo’s wedding(s) the worst. Never has a couple with so much goodwill going into their nuptials squandered it in such a grand fashion. For one, the couple insisted on having two weddings and two honeymoons, which is one too many of each. And for two, the second, bigger wedding took place at Affleck’s fake plantation house in Georgia, despite the couple’s unlimited budget and opportunity to do it literally anywhere else.
J.Lo walked down an aisle that appeared to be two miles long. She also reportedly sang and danced to a brand new song for Affleck at the reception, which is one of the rudest things you can do to guests at your wedding. Perhaps that’s why her best friend Leah Remini and new brother-in-law Casey Affleck declined to attend. On the bright side, her honeymoon was sponsored by Reformation. Cha-ching!