That symbolically resonant mountain lion stalking Montecito is now child’s play compared to the computer-based horror show that Meghan and Harry Markle must confront today: they’re the victims of a cybercrime engineered by a coterie of web designers, newly instated Welsh potentates, and at least one known associate of late sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. There’s no way around it: They’ve been bumped on the royal family’s website.
Specifically, as of this weekend the Fabulous Markle Twins have been moved from a plum featured spot all the way to the bitter end of scrollable content on the website’s “The Royal Family” section. And Prince Andrew, who once spent two days straight jerking it in 1992, is right there next to the demotees, sandwiched between the two media moguls in the flop section.
And he got a bigger, sexier photo. So did some rando named “the Duke of Kent,” who, as far as I’m able to discern, is some suitor-cousin of the Queen’s who now seems to be missing part of his ear. Feel better, guy, but this isn’t about you. I don’t mean to sound callous, if I sound like anything at all to you, but you’re lucky to even make the metadata, let alone beat out America’s golden girls. Meghan and Harry are also below the Wessexes, Princess Anne, and the Duke of Gloucester, a longtime Kensington Palace squatter.
The Daily Telegraph was the first to report on the “bottom billing” as a miscarriage of justice against the Sussexes, though I noticed as I check royal.uk every morning with a cup of java in hand, alongside 4chan and Just Jared Jr. That’s how I know that Meghan is also known as the Baroness Kilkeel.
These two better take a break from clinging on to one another to hold on tight to their second-to-last spot on the bottom of this webpage. Prince Andrew’s sneaky like that, and he might be gaining speed.