The Best Moments From the Queen’s Final Year
Our girl sticked it out til the bitter end
Around here, we write about Queen Elizabeth more than any other starlet – even more than we write about Chrissy Teigen. Never was the Queen more effervescent than in the final chapter of her 70-year reign, which happened to coincide with Gawker’s first year back. She always kept us laughing. Now she’s gone, and we don’t know what to do. At least we have our hyperlinks.
Here are our favorite Queen moments of the last year:
August 5, 2021
Stunning First Photo of Lilibet Diana Revealed
When her grandson and granddaughter-in-law Harry and Meghan honored her by naming their newborn “Lilibet.” Page Six got the exclusive first shot of the newborn.
October 15, 2021
Who Cares: Let the Queen Do Heroin If She Wants
When we defended the Queen against suggestions that she should give up her nightly martini. She can even do heroin for all we care. But only if she wants to!
November 15, 2021
The Queen Blew Out Her Back 👀
When she “sprained her back” six months after her beloved Prince Philip passed. You ain’t gettin’ over him unless you’re getting under someone else.
Feb 8, 2022
The Queen Took Her Late Husband’s Stick to the Jubbly
When she showed off a new stick and then refused to cut a cake beyond the photo op. We deemed her Stick Girl then and there — and the rest is history! (Around this time we also started referring to the Platinum Jubilee — the World’s Super Bowl — as the Jubbly, in honor of a particularly amusing misprint that appeared on over 10,000 mugs, tea sets and decorative plates.)
Feb 15, 2022
Queen Elizabeth: Nice to E-Meet You
When she got inside the computer and rarely left.
Feb 16, 2022
Queen Elizabeth Is Alive and Releasing a Dog Perfume
When she became a late-in-life beauty mogul after getting involved in a fragrance line meant to make corgis of all genders, creeds, and sizes feel sexy.
Feb 16, 2022
The Queen Is Alive but Might Have Rigor Mortis
When Queen Elizabeth, the embodiment of the stiff upper lip, got matching stiff lower limbs.
Feb 24, 2022
The Queen Is Alive but Alt Rock Is Dead
When, after a poorly reported item on Hollywood Unlocked, a shocked planet Earth learned that the Queen did not in fact die. It was actually Mark Lanegan, the lead singer of Queens of the Stone Age. RIP.
Feb 28, 2022
The Queen Is Alive and Addicted to Drama
When she made Camilla the official “Queen Consort” to her grandsons’ dismay because she thrives on chaos, a classic Axis II symptom.
Feb 28 2022
Queen Mum Permits Little Lord Pervert Son to Keep One Title
When she allowed her ickle Andrew to keep his Vice Admiral title because he was being so freaking emo about it.
Mar 7, 2022
The Queen Is Alive but Has Been Rehomed
When she “moved” to “Windsor.”
Mar 16, 2022
The Queen Is Alive and Will Respond to “Girl”
When British photographer David Bailey said that he once commented on the price of her jewels, saying “those must have cost a few bobs, girl.”
Mar 17, 2022
The Queen’s Big Issue With Her Pedo Son? His Arrogance
When the Queen finally had enough.
Mar 21, 2022
The Queen Is Alive and Hiding in a Tunnel
When the Firm created an elaborate multi-million dollar plan to hide Lilibet Sr. in a tunnel to get her inside Westminster Abbey.
Mar 24, 2022
Queen Humbly Shares British Vogue Cover with Anya Taylor-Joy
When Vogue double-covered the Queen with a stick alongside the Queen with a gambit.
Mar 25, 2022
The Queen Is in Teapot Heaven
When the Queen let loose like a bull in a teapot shop.
Mar 29, 2022
The Queen, Small and Alone
When the Queen was just sorta doing her own thing.
Apr 8, 2022
The Queen Is Alive and Not Washing Feet
When the Queen backed out of the Maundy, everyone’s favorite Anglican holiday
Apr 14, 2022
The Queen Has Risen? No She’ll Stay in Bed Thank You
When the Queen slept in on Easter.
Apr 20, 2022
The Queen Is Alive and in a Bush
When the Queen held an event called the “Bubble Olympics” during lockdown and assessed her staff’s athletic prowess from inside a hedge.
Apr 22, 2022
Lilibet Fully Loaded
When the Queen went vroom vroom beep beep, baby!
Apr 27, 2022
The Queen Does Not Eat Bananas Like a Sex-Crazed Slut
When the royal chef demonstrated how the Queen uses her knife and fork on a banana like a proper lady.
Apr 28, 2022
Queen Frees Herself From Oppressive Stick
When the Queen broke the rules for once in her goddamn life.
May 3, 2022
Seems Easy to Sneak Into the Queen’s House
When a fake priest broke into Windsor Castle and was allowed to sup in the Officer’s Mess.
May 4, 2022
I Still Think the Queen Is Rockin’ Cool
When she remained an icon.
May 5, 2022
Someone Get the Queen a Lawn Chair
When she backed out of the garden party at the Palace at Holyroodhouse.
May 6, 2022
Lin-Manuel Miranda and Andrew Lloyd Weber to Pen Jubbly Anthem for the Queen
When two egomaniacs thought about someone else for once.
May 13, 2022
The Queen Had a Secret Rendezvous With Her Horses
When the Queen skipped a public appearance at the Royal Windsor Horse Show to tryst with her own horses in a Range Rover.
May 16, 2022
Queen of Lean Soft Launches New Stick
When she debuted a new toyboy.
May 18, 2022
Queen Goes Apeshit Over New Namesake Tunnel
When she got to bask in her greatest honor to date, a subway tunnel named Elizabeth
May 25, 2022
The Brooch Is Back
When she put in a pin in it.
May 26, 2022
Queen Honored with Rare Jubbly Mayonnaise
When she was Salad Queen for a day.
May 31, 2022
Tom Hanks Caught Lying About the Queen’s Favorite Cocktail
When the King of America was caught in a lie.
May 31, 2022
Queen Being Passed Around Like a Tray of Appetizers
When this eternal elder was jostled about.
Jun 1, 2022
Jealous Stunt Queen Zeus Tries to Kill Real Queen with Lightning Storm
When she cheated death for the umpteenth time that year.
Jun 3, 2022
The Lilibets Met
When she shook hands with a redheaded baby...
Jun 7, 2022
Meghan and Harry Denied Money Shot of the Lilibets
...But didn’t allow a photo to be taken of it.
Jun 13, 2022
QUILF Elizabeth’s Got a Smooth New Stick
When she debuted yet another piece of interchangeable hand candy.
Jun 22, 2022
Now That’s Queen Shit: She’s Selling Sticks
When she capitalized her gains.
Jun 23, 2022
I Was Wrong About the Queen
When she changed a Canadian’s mind.
Jul 6, 2022
Another Fucken Crisis for the Queen
When a grabby handed freak named “Chris Pincher” derailed her vacation.
July 29, 2022
Cry For Help? The Queen Encodes Secret Message in Stick
When she was trying to tell us all something…and we didn’t listen.
Aug 17, 2022
The Queen Cannot Be Moved
When she sat her ass down, for medical purposes.
Aug 19, 2022
The Queen to Harry and Meghan: Sit Your Asses Down
And advised the Markle Twins to do the same.
Aug 25, 2022
The Queen Goes Apeshit When the Beat Drops
When she closed out a rave by forcing the DJ to play “God Save the Queen.”
Aug 31, 2022
The Queen Is Quiet Quitting
When she made Boris Johnson come over so she could humiliate him in the safety of her home.
Sep 6, 2022
A Desiccated Queen Anoints Liz Truss as U.K. Prime Minister
When she did her final act of girl bossery with her stick in hand.
Sep 7, 2022
The Queen’s Stamina Is Depleting
When she tried to hold on for us.
Sep 8, 2022
The Queen Is Soft Launching Her Death
When she maintained control of the narrative until the very end.
Unpopular opinion, but we’ll miss her. For now though, we’re going to need to find someone else to write about.