Swifties, as a community, have everything they could ever ask for. Their fave releases more albums than anyone, she’s going on tour next week, and she’s stayed hyper-visible in the past few weeks in order to secure an Oscar nomination for Best Short Film. So what do you get the Swiftie who has it all? I have a few suggestions.
Part of the evermore holiday collection, this snowglobe looks like it should cost $10 at most. But what if I told you that it isn’t just any old snowglobe? This one plays "cardigan (cabin in candlelight version)". And yeah, that is a song from folklore, not evermore, but the people who write copy for Swift’s website probably do not get paid enough for that to be a legitimate gripe. This trinket will become a staple in the collection of any true Swiftie, who knows that one of the most important parts of being a fan is buying whatever Blondie tells them to.
The Swifties in your life will love this little number. Everything about it just works. The cotton-polyester blend means it will be comfortable for all occasions (weddings, galas, a private table at The Box). The lyrics to “mirrorball” tastefully written out on the neckline are a subtle nod to one of Swift’s best songs. And the second pair of sleeves that tie around the waist give everyone the most desired look in the world: someone tying a sweater around their hips to cover up the fact that they forgot a tampon. I heard Anna Wintour herself owns one.
$50,000 (Price May Vary)
Perhaps you heard about the fiasco that was trying to get tickets to Swift’s Eras Tour. Chances are your Swiftie was not able to get tickets, and if they weren’t granted Ticketmaster Verified Fan status, it’s looking like they might not be able to go at all. You could change that for the low, low price of $50K. Just give it to them, and let them buy the most expensive tickets on StubHub. If there is anything left over itcan be put toward more Swift merch, including but not limited to Christmas tree skirts, paddle ball sets, glittery tumblers, and cassette copies of Fearless (Taylor’s Version).
With the exciting news that Swift will soon be writing and directing her feature film debut, it’s time for Swifties to bone up on the inner workings of film. Per the Amazon listing, Roger Ebert once said that this is the book “a filmgoer could read to learn more about how movies are made and what to look for while watching them.” The fans should know what it means when Swift starts talking about editing bays and “prep work.” If you wanted to go really crazy, you could create a double feature of sorts and also get them Easy Riders, Raging Bulls.
This is for the Gaylor in your life. They’ll either love it and cherish it forever, or use it for some kind of ritual sacrifice. Either way, they’ll be so impressed that you knew exactly what they wanted.
A Grip, Priceless
Having spent the last four-ish months deeply embedded in the Taylor Swift fandom for the sake of my job, some of these people need to take a deep breath. Take, for example, the Swiftie who told New York Mag’s Zach Schiffman he was being sexist for pointing out that Swift was campaigning for an Oscar and then called him a slur.
People like this need to get a grip, fast. I worry that they spend too much time looking at a screen and no longer know how to talk to people in the real world. Do they realize that this reflects poorly on their queen? Do they realize that she does not actually know them and they do not actually know her? And that the only reason she would care if they lived or died is because it means there’s one fewer person who can help keep “Anti-Hero” on the Billboard chart? Let’s all relax and enjoy the music, my friends.