Ah, there’s nothing like springtime in England. Jet skiing the Thames towing a slackline connected to a minor royal figure on an intertube; traversing the Abbey Road crossroad back and forth until your Geri H.-style Union Jack platform soles wear thin; having a cracking polo match but getting distracted from gameplay because the horses’ eyelashes are soooo pretty. And then of course, there’s the garden parties. The Queen is always at the famed Palace of Holyroodhouse in Edinburgh, and this year I’ve really been looking forward to talking with her about all the times Tina Brown called Camilla a dumpy country slut in the first half of The Palace Papers.
But wait! The Queen just announced that she will NOT attend garden parties at Buckingham Palace and Hollyroodhouse amid growing concerns over her health? Per the Daily Mail, “The 96-year-old, who has been suffering from mobility and health issues in recent months, will not be at the events which are taking place for the first time since 2019. The decision is likely down to the format of the parties in that the monarch would have had to stand for more than an hour and move down the lines greeting people.”
Couldn’t we all just sit? As I know from watching The Crown twice in a row during spring/summer 2020, the Queen’s obsessed with telling people, “Do sit.” Shouldn’t these society tarts, tweedy snoozes, and still-living Nazi sympathizers be paying respects to the Queen by approaching her, not the other way around? We can still fix this. Assigned seating or bust. I call I get to be next to Camilla while I’m wearing a wire — she seems fun — or else this is gonna be the worst garden-party season ever.