According to a weekend article in the New York Post, Nicholas Braun is “NYC’s hottest bachelor.” And, you know — fine. Straight women have convinced themselves they are attracted to him because he is tall and they recognize him from television, and even though they are lying to themselves and to everyone else, the Succession star at least has a job, and women have been known to settle for much less. In the article, several of them wait outside of the NYC bar the actor co-owns with Justin Theroux, just hoping to get a glimpse of him. And, you know, it’s been a hard year and they should do whatever makes them happy.
A number of these Braun-loving women had bees in their bonnets about this Post article, though, not because it details an unfortunate COVID-19 parody song Braun wrote last year, or because it outs him as a fan of BarStool Sports founder Dave Portnoy, but because it includes interviews with Braun’s sexual partners and one neighbor, which some fans thought was a bit invasive.
In my opinion, who cares. But then again, I do not want Nicholas Braun to “run me over with his car,” as they say. There was one piece of information in the article that gave me pause, though, told to the Post by a former Braun dater:
“I told him I’d just gotten the vaccine. We’d both gotten Pfizer, so I was like, ‘Pfizer should make merch.’ He sends me a screenshot of a Pfizer jacket on eBay, and then he puts a bid on it. Then I put a bid on it, and we just go back and forth, back and forth, until, eventually, it’s, like, $300. … At the last second, I pull out, because I don’t have fucking $300 to spend. Turns out, he had secretly put a bid on another one, so he ended up with two of them. It’s one of the funnier things I’ve done while dating in New York.”
It seems the same general misguidedness that has convinced this person she has a crush on Nicolas Braun has convinced her that this anecdote is humorous. Still, it is at least curious. The first question that comes to mind is: Why didn’t he give her the jacket? If a bidding war on an unfortunate novelty jacket is part of your courtship, and you end up with two of the unfortunate novelty jackets because the person you are courting does not have a job on Succession that affords them enough money to spend on even one unfortunate novelty jacket, you should give them one of your two jackets.
Second: Why was he driving up the bid on this novelty jacket when he actually wanted — and had already secured — one of his own, unless it was explicitly to purchase it and give it to the girl?
Third: What size were the jackets?
Fourth: So now he just has two of them? You’d think he would have given her one just to not have two Pfizer jackets.
Well, anyway. Good luck to all involved, in their various endeavors.