Now that rapists have been eliminated, Joe Biden and skater Tony Hawk have a plan to fakie (skateboarding term for when you skate backwards) away from sexual assault on college campuses. They’ve come together for a new campaign from the Obama-Biden sexual assault prevention initiative, “It’s On Us.” Here’s what Joe Biden said about it:
You’ve gotta decide which god you’re gonna worship, man. You can either complain or you can skate...You’re like a hypochondriac, you're the worst kind of hypochondriac, you’re a hypochondriac in denial. And I’m being honest... You’ve got like five enders in your part, but you don’t have an ender ender, and for that, nobody is going to take you seriously. Come on man, I’m not trying to get down on you; I’m trying to light a fire and get you to do some flip-in, flip-out shit...You know when I call you up and say “What trick do you got?” have an answer for me! Have something planned! When I say “Where do you wanna skate?” you can’t say “Oh, I don't know.” You can’t do that, man. It’s like the other day at Belmont, you did a fakie tre down nine and then you locked a kid in the trunk. I shit you not. He fucking locked a kid in the trunk. Kid asked for a sticker and he snapped. Just went beserk on him.
Fuck, sorry that’s Owen Wilson in Spike Jonze’s Yeah Right! from 2003. Here’s what the press release said:
As students get ready to go back to campus for this first time in over a year, experts believe there will be an uptick in sexual assault in what is considered to be a perfect storm of those experiencing campus for the first time and wanting to make up for lost time. Through a video PSA including a message from Tony Hawk, TikTok videos, and a QR code appearing on party cups across college campuses nationwide that directs people to a quick guide on intervening, It's On Us is working to educate all college students so that as they are having fun and making up for lost time, they stop to take a look around and make sure everyone else is having a good time too.
If there’s one thing kids about to do sexual assault love, it’s a PSA called “#CollegeReorientation with Tony Hawk,” which mashes party footage with overlaid text and an EDM soundtrack:
Welcome back to campus. This college year will be like any other. It’s our time to make up for the lost time. 2021 is our year to remember.
There’s a twist though:
But for some it will be a year they wish they could forget. If you see someone about to hurt a friend or stranger, do something.
Okay, but where’s Tony? That’s gotta be him, standing in front of a wall of skateboards in gold lamé.
It’s on us to end sexual assault. There’s a bystander at one of every three sexual assaults against women. Take the pledge at ItsOnUs.org
That should do it. All 58 people who watched this on YouTube will handle it. If they don’t, the ItsOnUs TikTok account’s 33 followers will take over. That’s what people are watching these days anyway. When this is all over, we’re gonna feel just like Tony Hawk after he landed the first “900” on June 27, 1999: “This is the best day of my life.”