We haven’t quite freed Britney yet, but we’re all feeling guilty enough about what we did to former famous children to be signing online petitions and Googling “LSAT.” All of us were complicit, especially me, reading my aunt Donna’s month-old copies of Us Weekly on a dock on a biohazardous lake in Indiana during that wild summer between junior and senior year of high school when Britney was going to Starbucks a lot.
Children should not have jobs, at all, even if they’re Britney, or Demi Lovato, or Jamie Lynn Spears, or Ariana Grande, or Jennette McCurdy or Amanda Bynes, or any of the children wrecked by Nickelodeon’s alleged foot-fetishist and chief creative mind Dan Schneider.
Thankfully, I have a solution that will free us all from any culpability: We should replace all actors under age 25 with an adult actor in a motion-capture suit.
The technical advancements are there, so it wouldn’t take a lot on the backend. Additionally, this plan would create jobs for adults during a labor crisis and allow previously employed or about-to-be employed child actors to do kid stuff, like playing on the iPad and attending Zoom school on the iPad. These children will still probably be ruined by their parents, but us TV-watchers will be free to enjoy the iCarly reboot, for example, or maybe even the Sonny with a Chance reboot (fingers crossed) without any ethical dilemmas.
Now let’s get to the specifics. There’s one man who is up for this task, one of the only men in the entertainment business, besides Stanley “One Take Tucci” Tucci, who shouldn’t be jailed immediately. That man is Andy Serkis, who is best known for playing Gollum in the Lord of the Rings cinematic universe and Caesar (?) in Planet of the Apes.
If Serkis can play beasts and monsters by simply donning a slim fit green bodysuit, not so dissimilar from nineteen-year-old Britney’s “Oops!.. I Did It Again” look, then he certainly has the range to play a girl in a Disney show who discovers her favorite teacher at her elite performing arts high school is actually Rasputin, for example, or a different girl in a Nickelodeon show who discovers she can communicate with her dad who died on a nuclear ice cutter in the Arctic, or even Renesmee in a Renesmee-focused Twilight reboot.
Instead, Andy Serkis spent the last year directing the film Venom: Let There Be Carnage. And we are all complicit.