I'm trying to remember
We’re about to reach the end of the 12th season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and I will say it for you: thank god. The season premiered in May of this year and has since, week after week, made us seriously consider reconsidering our decision to commit a majority of our waking hours to the Housewives brand. [N.b.: At press time we remain firm in our commitment.]
The season began with the promise of fun — Dorit being robbed at gunpoint! Kathy potentially saying a slur in Aspen! Wait actually neither of those things are fun, I take it back! — but what we’ve accumulated over the course of it has amounted to little more than bad vibes. Everyone is evil or annoying or both, but worst of all, they’re boring. Dorit’s charity being named “Homeless Not Toothless” can sustain us for a moment, yes, but can it sustain us for several months? It cannot.
The ladies have picked up a bit of steam since settling into Kyle’s Aspen bunk beds, but I’m afraid not even Erika baring her teeth in anger over not wanting to give up the $750,000 earrings that were allegedly purchased with money meant for burn victims can save it. In tonight’s episode Kathy is going to be very angry about something related to going to a nightclub in pajamas, and maybe that will be good, but if the main source of information regarding her outburst is the completely obnoxious and likely laid-off Rinna, well. I’m not exactly looking forward to it.
Most of these women are past their Housewives expiration dates, I’m afraid. They are too mean, too callous, too focused on tedious drama that I do not care about at all, and frankly, too good at their jobs. The pot-stirring has become rote. The arguments have become too clearly contrived. The ladies have curdled, and we must remove them from the refrigerator (except for Dorit) (I still like Dorit).
Before we do that, though, I’d like to take a moment to remember this season. As of now I’m searching for specifics in my mind and see only brilliant white. Will they come to me as I type? Let’s see.
There Was a Party Where They Wore Wigs?
I definitely remember everyone being mean to Sutton at a party where they wore wigs.
Jamie Lee Curtis Showed the Girls a Wind Chime
Dorit Wore Sweatpants
Genuinely loved Dorit’s sweatpants.
The Ladies Spent 400 Years of the Only Life I’ll Ever Have Taking About Whether It Was Appropriate for Crystal to Use the Word “Dark” As a Descriptor Relating to Sutton’s (“Dark”) Comments
“That’s a big word,” the ladies warn every time they’re talking about something that is so fucking boring I could die.
Unfortunately I do remember her being there.
Of course we remember “carcass out.”
Ummm, what else happened …
Erika Got Really Drunk on a Boat
I don’t remember where the boat was or why they were on it, but I do remember Erika telling Garcelle to “go pee on that new girl.”
Erika Proudly Proclaimed That a Lawsuit Against Her Was Dismissed — Without Prejudice!
Honey … that’s not the good one.
Kyle Used Her Hilarious Comedy Voice So Much She Was Actually Hired As a New Cast Member on ‘SNL’
Wait did that happen?
I Guess We All Entered Into a Silent Pact to Never Acknowledge That the Name of Kyle’s Beloved Ugly Hat Store “Kemo Sabe” Is Racist
Or is it?? (It is.)
Diana’s Weird Husband Played Piano
Umm, and we already covered “Homeless Not Toothless” so … I guess that’s it! That’s all I remember.