The Queen Can't Take the Heat

She'll be riding out Britain's record temperatures in balmy Balmoral

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Ra Ra Rasputin

When the Queen got herself coronated ten million years ago in 1952, she didn’t realize the keys to the kingdom she received opened a portal to HELL. While Hades is a great place to visit for a raucous weekend, being Queen of the Underworld is not a ton of fun when it’s 104.4 degrees Fahrenheit at Heathrow Airport and you made a deal with the devil himself that you could live forever so long as you always wear thick, thick flesh-toned pantyhose, even as you sleep.

Now it’s the hottest Britain’s ever been, and she’s making her escape. The Daily Mail spotted Old Ass Persephone in the backseat of a Hearse (I guess actually it was a forest green Range Rover) bound for Balmoral Estate in the Scottish highlands, where it’s hopefully a bit cooler for our girl. The Mail notes that “The Queen…has in the past been pictured with a Dyson Pure Hot + Cool Link purifier fan at the Palace, and is also likely to also have one at her Berkshire abode.” Does the Queen read Wirecutter?

Her people, meanwhile, continue to suffer. Only 5% of British homes have air conditioning (compared to 90% of American ones), and the heat isn’t relenting any time soon.

The house the Queen will be staying at in Balmoral is Craigowan Estate, which the Windsors’ imperial Romanov cousins used as a refuge for most of World War II. Well, well, well. Rasputin, Tsarina Alexandra’s spiritual advisor who was likely the devil incarnate himself, probably caused this hellacious heatwave to draw the unsuspecting Queen Lil back into his clutches.

Stay cool, sticky girl.