If you’re tiring of hearing about Prince “Ethical Banking” Harry and Meghan “I’m trying to podcast over here” Markle, and if the suggestion of Queen Elizabeth trying recreational heroin for fun is too pedestrian, here’s some other bizarre niche royal scandal news: Princess Charlene of Monaco, wife to Prince Albert (a different one) has been away from her homeland for about seven months. A spokesperson for the royal family of Monaco reports she’s in South Africa recovering from sinus procedures that preclude her from getting on an airplane. Sounds harmless enough — is something an idiot would say.
Many people who are invested in this feudal Europe holdover drama insist she must be headed for divorce with her husband, who is Grace Kelly’s son, or that something more sinister is keeping her in South Africa, from where she hails.
She was in tears throughout her entire $55 million dollar wedding to Albert in 2011, and according to Lainey Gossip, the “prisoner bride” spent her honeymoon at a different hotel than her groom. Meanwhile, Prince Albert has battled baby daddy rumors for most of his public life, with and without Charlene.
This week, Char posted an Instagram of herself with Zulu nation king Misuzuzu Zulu (who is in the midst of his own Succession-esque drama), and her adoring public is concerned about her health. “You need kinddness and support.. 😊🤗🌹☀️💐,” one commenter wrote. Don’t we all.
This is not the first time the Princess’s prolonged vacation pics have sparked worries. Her fans recently speculated about her happiness on another Instagram post when her family came to visit in South Africa and her six-year-old daughter Bella rocked a fashion-forward cyberpunk haircut. Despite that, one Instagram user wrote, “❤️👏 but your daughter looks so .... sad? Why? I am very happy for your children they see you again and by your side 👌 when you canb return to Monaco? So sad for all 4 of you 😔”
I don’t quite know what’s going on, but I have a theory: Princess Charlene, tiring of the non-stop duties that go along with being Her Serene Highness Princess of Monaco, tried to either do a Princess Switch Part 3 or, more alarmingly, a Gone Girl, and forgot some crucial paperwork, trapping herself without a passport (or maybe in someone else’s body entirely in a Freaky Friday-type scenario) far far from her adopted homeland. Thoughts?