His Royal Harmful Prince Harry has revealed that he and his beautiful bride M were humiliatingly forced to use her credit card to pay for a “second-hand” couch from sofa.com, the premiere English web destination for all things tufted and cushioned.
To this I have to say: Who among us hasn’t lusted after a stunning vintage piece like sofa.com’s Snowdrop Button Back two-and-half seater in the spiced honey colorway? That would’ve looked fab in the all-nude game room of Nott Cott, the 10-bedroom grace-and-favor getaway the Sussexes had access to when they got married, or next to the stacked taxidermied corgis in the trophy room of Frogmore Cottage, where the couple lived full-time, correct? Wrong. Harry’s sofa was a piece of inferior carpentry, as was his crummy little IKEA lamp, and both items functioned as metaphors for all of Prince Harry’s puny sorrows.
According to Harry’s bombshell memwah, our ginger prince wrote about visiting big brother Willy and Kate Middleton at their newly renovated Kensington Palace apartment before they moved into their fuckpad dump last year.
“The wallpaper, the ceiling trim, the walnut bookshelves filled with volumes of peaceful colors, priceless works of art. Magnificent. Like a museum,” H wrote. A perfect place for a Victorian rest cure, should Kate’s crazy girl ass be taken with the vapors or female hysteria.
“We congratulated them on the renovation without holding back the compliments while feeling embarrassed of our IKEA lamps and the second-hand sofa we’d recently bought on sale with Meg’s credit card on sofa.com,” he wrote. He felt more than a little bit of inadequacy, and thus Spare was born. Or maybe Harry’s lifelong feelings of purposelessness imbued meaning into this reno job. (Kensington Palazzo, it’s worth noting, has a reputation as a storage facility for musty old Windsors like Prince and Princess Michael of Kent who refuse to die and/or move).
Will and Kate paid for their furnishings, but the £4.5 million renovation came from British taxpayers. Taxpayers also funded a £2.4 million of Harry and Meghan’s Frogmore Cottage. Apparently, however, H&M maxed out their limit before they could get a Missoni x Roche Bobois Mah Jong sofa like Meghan’s good friend (probably) Gigi Hadid. This is a pretty specific problem to have, but I’m not entirely unsympathetic. Do you know how much grief men in their thirties get for not having a bed frame, let alone a couch? When their brother already has everything, including his own kingdom, everything that is except for their hot mother’s good looks?
I think Harry deserved a new couch, though from my many hours spent trawling for hot deals on ottomans on sofa.com, I’m finding it hard to believe he bought a used couch from there. Their website doesn’t have a second-hand buying option, though there are plenty of individual modular couch pieces on clearance. But out of my own respect for his struggle, I simply have to believe that Harry, whose family doesn’t carry wallets on principle, wasn’t really familiar with the concept of an online sale and Meghan tired of explaining the concept to him. Poor guy.