A vengeful and unforgiving god has cast a line into the fetid depths of our despair and fished out a wretched beast, moaning and gnashing its teeth in a liminal state between life and death. Look closely at its face; the yellowed whites of its eyes. You’ll begin to recognize it, as surely as you would your own afflicted soul. It is the television show Vanderpump Rules, and it returns tonight for its ninth season.
We haven’t heard from our old friend Vanderpump Rules in over a year. During the break the show jettisoned all of its most and least popular cast members, each of whom was fired for — I’ll give you a moment to guess — yes, something racist. The show also lost Jax and Brittany for a mysterious reason that I can only assume was also something racist, though admittedly it could have instead been something homophobic. I think the new blonde girl left, too. Vanderpump Rules has now been whittled down to, if my memory serves: the Toms, a pair of sunglasses with sticky lenses, and a handful of Lisa Vanderpump’s more obscure pomeranians.
Although the show is already years past its expiration date, it is not unlikely that we will tune into this season in an attempt to feel a fragment of the joy Vanderpump Rules once slapped across the face of our sexy unique hearts. Tom and Tom’s plotline, from what I can tell, involves the pair attempting to open another restaurant on their own. Lala and Scheana have babies, and James and Raquel are unfortunately committing themselves to each other for life. Katie and Ariana are there also.
To celebrate the start of Vanderpump Rules’ second post-death season, we attempted to figure out a mystery that has been lurking within it for the series’ duration. A question that has not been debated during any reunion; a secret that has not been revealed on any “secrets revealed” episode. A question shrouded in mystery, and one which a source close to the show would only comment on “off the record.”
What is “Vanderpump Rules” supposed to mean?
Does it refer to a set of Lisa Vanderpump’s rules, or are we meant to infer that she rules over the kingdom of SUR? Or does it mean both as sort of “pun,” even though the meanings are not disparate enough to be particularly pun-like, if you ask me? Maybe she just rules, like a cool dude? Or something else altogether?
Gawker reached out to each of the current cast members — as well as Andy Cohen and, for good measure, former cast member and actual credited actress Laura-Leigh — in search of an answer. Laura-Leigh’s manager issued a quick response:
Laura-Leigh’s stint on Vanderpump Rules was a memorable character she loved playing many years ago, but she’s respectfully moved on from that series.
I respectfully understand.
The others, however, were silent. Emails went unresponded to. Managers “reached out” to cast members to no avail. Public relations people sent me to other public relations people, who sent me to agents. That one person I mentioned told me an answer, but that it was “off the record.” It seemed this was one secret Bravo wanted kept.
Until someone got brave.
“Hi Kelly,” wrote a publicist. “You can use the below quote from Scheana Shay.”
Finally, we would have our answer. Our minds would be soothed. We would hear the title Vanderpump Rules and think, “I know how that is meant to be interpreted.” Yes, it was our time, these were the best days of our lives, so raise our glasses high — this one’s for us tonight.
“I think it can be taken either way,” Scheana said. “Lisa Rules, and we must also follow HER RULES!”
And there you have it.