It was only two weeks ago that we declared Seth Marks the “new worst househusband” in the Bravo Real Housewives universe. We were correct; he had just motorboated a cake shaped like his wife’s friend’s boobs, and then he asked that friend’s husband for the number of her plastic surgeon to imply that he’d like to buy his wife the same boobs. But the world moves fast, and it seems we already have a new “new worst househusband” to anoint. Evolve or die. The new worst househusband is Kyle from Summer House.
Kyle from Summer House is not a househusband in the traditional sense. He isn’t on a Housewives franchise, and in the timeline of Summer House’s current season he is not yet married. But Summer House is a Bravo reality franchise with “house” in the title, and in actual reality he is indeed unfortunately married to fellow castmember Amanda. I’ve checked with the judges and he qualifies. Congratulations to the entire Summer House family.
Kyle from Summer House has always been not great. His most infamous on-air moment is drunkenly screaming at his now-wife for being “not fun” when “summer should be fun.” He was in his mid-30s at the time; he is now 39. His most infamous off-air moment is drunkenly cheating on his now-wife during a late night out in New York City. We (me, you, and Amanda) are meant to assume this happened only that one time. He speaks in a near-constant alcohol-induced slur and he doesn’t consume solid carbs.
This was all bad, but as his wedding to Amanda looms, the volume of Kyle’s badness has been turned up. (They were on track to get married last season too, but pandemic restrictions related to nightlife and large weddings kept Kyle’s monster mostly at bay.) (In fact, Kyle and Amanda’s wedding was postponed three times due to COVID-19; a world event that now seems like it was sent by God specifically to stop Kyle and Amanda from getting married.) I would say the experience of watching Summer House now is akin to that of watching Titanic, but at least in Titanic the girl gets out.
In the first episode of the current Summer House season, which aired last week, the gang parties in the Hamptons and comes home around 1 a.m. to go to sleep. Except — where’s Kyle? Does anyone know where Kyle is? It seems Kyle stayed at the club to party more, alone. His fiancée Amanda calls him, and then calls him more, and then calls him a lot. It is clear he is ignoring her phone calls, and he admits to as much the next day. Before he gets home, around 3:30 a.m. or something, Amanda admits to two of her housemates that Kyle and her parents have a prenuptial contract: If she calls off the wedding because he can’t control his drinking and cheats on her again, he has to pay them back for the amount of money they’ve already spent on the wedding.
Of course her housemates react in horror and gently tell her that she does not have to go through with the wedding if it’s gotten so bad that Kyle has to have a contract with her parents about what seems to be his alcoholism and penchant for cheating. This advice was repeated in the season’s second episode, which aired last night, and I assume it will be repeated several more times as the season goes on. Kyle’s late night out led to a fight about, again, how Amanda is “not fun,” because she doesn’t like when he stays out late, alone, ignoring her attempts at contacting him, getting black-out drunk, which is apparently something he does at least somewhat often. This is in part because “one time” in this exact scenario in the past, he cheated on her. This man is essentially a 40-year-old.
Because this isn’t a Housewives franchise, fans seem to be more sympathetic to Kyle than they typically are to bad househusbands. Amanda parties too!, seems to be a common refrain. Amanda shouldn’t try to change Kyle, she should love him for who he is or leave! Okay, I agree that she should leave. She should leave right now. Please, Amanda — beautiful, sweet, perfect Amanda — if you’re reading this, leave. You can stay in my apartment. Bring the foster puppies (she fosters puppies). Bring the curtain lights (they have curtain lights in their apartment; I bought them too [as a Christmas decoration] after seeing theirs). Bring your hideous green sweater vest (it’s just not my style).
But we (me and Amanda) do not have to love Kyle for who Kyle is, because Kyle is a guy who sucks. He does not know how to control either his drinking or himself. He should change. He sucks, and when a person realizes they suck, they should try to change. That’s life. Kyle’s grievance seems to be that he is the “only” one working on their relationship, and that Amanda should have to work on their relationship, too. When pressed to give an example of what Amanda needs to work on, Kyle says she needs to work on doing a better job as a graphic designer for their alcoholic seltzer company Loverboy. Okay, Kyle — that doesn’t count. You’re the only one who needs to work on the relationship because you’re the only one who sucks.
Amanda, come over. I’m not hitting on you, but … well, I mean, we can see what happens. I love dogs, too. Okay. Talk soon. Kyle — you suck.