King Charles Is Shaping Up to Be the Baddest Boy King Since Henry VIII
Punk isn't dead — it's 73 years old
It seems I underestimated King Charles, the old-timey boy king who inherited his mah-MAH’s job last week. I took him for an old-fashioned romantic fuddy-duddy plant daddy who made occasional lapses in judgment due to the out-of-touch nature of his childhood. But after just five days on the big chair, he’s already proving himself to be a total bad boy bad-ass bitch! I guess that time he accepted suitcases full of cash from the Qatari PM in exchange for political favors was less of an anomaly and more of a sign of what’s to come. The UK better get ready to rock ‘n roll. Punk is back!
This morning, the notorious diarist Chahz got into a knock-down drag out fight with a fountain pen. If you thought Meghan Markle telling a Palace staffer that she’d hold her own flowers was bad, first of all get right with god, and second of all, hold onto your arse when you watch the following:
His fountain pen seems to leak on him, so he hands it over to Camilla. She hands the pen to an aide, who clears the ink for her. Charles is overheard winging, “I can’t bear this bloody thing! What they do, every stinking time!”
You kiss your mother with that mouth, Chuck? (He did, often.)
Later, during a church service for the Queen, Charles soft-fired his entire team at Clarence house, which employed 101 full-time staff members. In a letter obtained by the Guardian, the King’s private secretary declared that operations at Clarence House, Charles’s main residence, will be closed down entirely after a consultation period beginning next Monday. According to the Guardian, as of now 31 people work in the private secretaries’ office and in administration, a “similar number” work in the treasurers’ department, and 12 in his communications office.
OK, so he’s a bad boy CEO in the style of Puff Daddy, the always subversive Elon Musk, or even his uncle King Edward VIII, who was never coronated because he liked fuckin’ and suckin’ too much.
Just when things couldn’t get any more bad to the bone, the New York Times released a bombshell report about the new King’s hoarding of gold and rubies. His private estate, known as the Duchy of Cornwall, is valued at $1.4 billion, compared to the Queen’s $949 million in accumulated wealth, in addition to the “closely guarded secret” of the Windsor family’s additional personal wealth and rare corgi genome.
“The growth in the royal family’s coffers and King Charles’s personal wealth over the past decade came at a time when Britain faced deep austerity budget cuts,” the Times reported. “Poverty levels soared, and the use of food banks almost doubled. His lifestyle of palaces and polo has long fueled accusations that he is out of touch with ordinary people.”
Get his ass! But not too hard. This guy’s dangerous.